I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU HAVE
 
Charles Bignell
 
Have you ever gone home late and told your wife a fairy tale?
I don't suppose you have, no, I don't suppose you have;
And pulled your boots off on the mat and crept up like a snail?
I don't suppose you have, no, I don't suppose you have;
With collar, hat and trousers on, then into bed you creep,
The missis slyly foxing you, though shamming fast asleep;
Have you divulged some secret in your sleep you'd like to keep?
I don't suppose you have, no, I don't suppose you have;

Chorus: Well, if you haven't, don't you try it, you'll be sorry if you do
I've had some and I know it, to be sure;
For she'll kick you out of bed, pull the hair from off your head
And you'll never want a love-dream anymore.

Have you ever, by appointment, met a lady young and fair?
I don't suppose you have, no, I don't suppose you have;
And in offering to escort her home, suggest a hansom there?
I don't suppose you have, no, I don't suppose you have;
You swear by all that's sacred that you are a single man,
You make no end of promises, a very stupid plan,
But say, have you ever been dropped in to by your dear wife, Mary Ann?
I don't suppose you have, no, I don't suppose you have;

Chorus: If you haven't, don't you try it, you'll be sorry if you do
I've had some and I know it, to be sure;
And if the girl is married too and her husband mangles you,
Then you'll never go out mashing anymore.

Did you ever imagine that you know the way to box?
I don't suppose you have, no, I don't suppose you have;
And kid unto yourself you'd give the other fellow socks?
I don't suppose you have, no, I don't suppose you have;
But having made the challenge, why, of course you've got to fight
You cannot get a blow in though you try with all your might.
But did you ever put your jaw against the other fellow's right?
I don't suppose you have, no, I don't suppose you have;

Chorus: If you haven't, don't you try it, you'll be sorry if you do
I've had some and I know it, to be sure;
When his fist against you jars and you see a million stars,
You'll never want to box him any more anymore.

Now ladies have you wasted time in reading novelettes?
I don't suppose you have, no, I don't suppose you have;
And on the sly have you gone in for smoking cigarettes?
I don't suppose you have, no, I don't suppose you have;
To use a little powder, you should never be afraid,
A little rouge is handy when the cheeks begin to fade,
But say, have you ever used a pillow when your bustle you've mislaid?
I don't suppose you have, no, I don't suppose you have;

Chorus: If you haven't, don't you try it, you'll be sorry if you do
It's very, very awkward, to be sure;
For if the pillow tumbles out as you're parading round about,
You'll never wear a bustle any more.
You'll never want to box him any more anymore.

 
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Written and composed by Arthur Sutherd
Performed by Charles Bignell (1866-1935)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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