I'm a copper by trade, you see, joined the service in ninety-three
All the ladies are after me, since I've been in the Force
Once while passing a public house I spotted an open door
I said, 'Governor, this won't do! Can't you see that it's nearly two
You know you have broken the law.'

Chorus: 'I don't want to cause any trouble,
But this is a serious case
It's past closing time, so I must interfere
Just give me your name, or if you've any beer
That's not doing anything - bring it out here
I don't want to cause any trouble.'

I was walking my beat one night, found a villa had caught alight
Fetched a ladder and made it right to reach the bedroom floor
There I found an old maid in bed, I knocked at the window pane
She yelled, 'Murder, police, and fire.' I said, 'That'll do, you Maria
I hope you won't holler again.'

Chorus: 'I don't want to cause any trouble,
Your house is on fire , that is all'
She jumped out of bed, and said, 'Carry me down
I won't stop to dress!' I said, 'Don't be a clown
You put something on, if it's only a frown
I don't want to cause any trouble.'

It's my duty to interfere, mash the slaveys who live round here
Eat their suppers and drink their beer, that's why I'm in the Force
Once a slavey in love with me said, 'You'll have to wed me, Bob.'
Made me take her to church one day, I said, 'Clergyman, by the way
Before you get on with the job,'

Chorus: 'I don't want to cause any trouble,
Said he, 'But you want to be wed?'
Said I, 'No, it's her that is anxious to be
It may do for her, but it won't do for me
For I've got a wife and eight children, you see
And I don't want to cause any trouble.'
Written and composed by F. Leo - 1902
Performed by Wilkie Bard (1874-1944)
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