I'm even-tempered bounder. quite good-natured, don't you know,
That's if you stroke the right way of the cloth.
I was known as 'Blue-Eyed Bertie' once but that was years ago,
For since then I've been got at by the moth.
I never do seek trouble but sometimes it's only fair
The British Lion should rise within my breast.
This morning, near a builder's yard, a chap said, 'Below there!'
And rammed a scaffold pole right in my chest!

Chorus: And then he said, 'Ere! who-the, what-the, why-the...' Oh, my word!
The adjectives he used were quite sublime.
I won't say I could have wacked him, tho' by Jove! I should have smacked him,
But you see I had my gloves on at the time.

I believe in outdoor exercise, to keep one's self quite fit,
A good long walk takes beating, you'll confess.
My favourite place is Hyde Park and when not exactly 'it'
I spend a whole day in there, more or less.
While strolling there one afternoon, quite near the Serpantine,
I heard a voice shout, 'Help! I've got the cramp!'
I rushed up and I thought, 'Now, here I've got a chance to shine;
I'll save hime, tho' it does look cold and damp!'

Chorus: So I quickly pulled my coat off, then I put it on again,
Tho' I felt in doing so it was a crime;
But as sure as my name's Browning, I'd have saved that chap from drowning,
But you see I had my gloves on at the time.

I was walking down the-Strand one day;
I'd nothing else to do
And walking's cheap, especially when it's fine.
I went into Romano's, where I had just 'one or two',
Then thought I'd go to Simpson's, where I dine.
When crossing by the 'Cecil' somehow I got fairly jammed
'Twixt a taxi and a lorry and a bus.
I couldn't move this way or that, the road was beastly crammed,
So I used an awful swear word. I said,"Cuss!"

Chorus: Then a Vanguard knocked me over, dragged me twenty yards or so,
When a bootblack, quite a strong chap in his prime,
Saved my life! it was quite thrilling! I'd have given him a shilling
But you see.I had my gloves on at the time.

Now, I always take an interest in ev'ry kind of sport;
At rowing, golf and football I excel;
And though I do not boast that I am ev'ry bit self-taught,
At most games I can get on fairly well.
At boxing, I'll confess, when I was but an "undergrad",
I could beat the best, no matter what the weight;
And at our club last Monday night they chaffed me, so I had
A 'set to' with a chap quite twelve-stone-eight.

Chorus: Well, I feinted with my left, and brought the right across his jaw,
But the way he ducked was like pantomime.
Then towards me he came creeping; just one punch! and I was sleeping
And the bounder had his gloves on at the time!

Written, composed and performed by Arthur Thomas (1863 - 1919) - 1911
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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