Though I pose as a lad of learning
I seem to be stuffed full of knowledge
To tell you the truth I'm an ignorant youth
Well, you know what they teach you at college
For instance my nephew said, "Uncle,
The geometry's fearfully tame
I've brought to you, now pray tell me do
Are Rhomboids and spheroids the same?"
I said, "I could tell you what adenoids are
But Rhomboids and spheroids are going too far."

I haven't the faintest idea
I haven't the faintest idea
A rhomboid's a sort of a kind of a, well
More early in bloom and a different smell
Whilst the spheroid, well, let me explain it
A spheroid to make myself clear
Is a sort of a one... Oh eat your damn bun...
I haven't the faintest idea!

I once very nearly got married
The wedding was awfully swagger
I strode down the aisle with a seraphic smile
'Twas a do it or die sort of stagger
The bride wore a veil made of muslin
Like they used to keep flies off the meat
The organist too got the wind up and blew
That soldier's farewell, 'The Retreat'
The parson said, "Now then young man, where's the ring?"
I coughed and I blushed and I said, "Dear old thing,"

I haven't the faintest idea
I haven't the faintest idea
This morning I hung it with string round my neck
The string must have broken. Just wait half a sec."
Then I jumped and I scratched and I wriggled
The organ played 'Beer, glorious beer'
The ring wasn't there, it had vanished but where?
I haven't the faintest idea.
Performed by George Robey (1869-1954)
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