I LIFTED THE LATCH AND WALKED IN
 
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Last week I put up, at a certain hotel,
I've never lived in one before.
When night came I couldn't find which was my room,
So I saw number nine on a door.
So I lifted the latch and walked in,
Just like a silly old lout.
But a woman was there and she shouted, 'Police!'
So I lifted the latch and walked out.

One cold frosty morning I went to the zoo,
The animals there, just to see.
I looked at the lions and then I espied,
The monkey-house in front of me.
So I lifted the latch and walked in,
Just like a silly old lout.
The monkey's they screamed and pulled faces at me,
So I lifted the latch and walked out.

Last night I had such a peculiar dream,
But oh, it fair give me the spikes.
I dreamt of the place where 'Old Nick' lives, you know,
Just to see what it was like.
So I lifted the latch and walked in,
The Satan, to me, gave a shout.
'We've not got a seat in the pit or the stalls'
So I lifted the latch and walked out.

 
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Performed by George Formby Senior (1877-1921)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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