William Parker
I've been such a good and abstemious man,
From the time when I first wore a bib,
I never have pulled pussy's tail on the sly,
And have never thought of telling a fib.
My friends often try to make me reply,
In words most unusually strong,
And I feel very tempted to say you be...
But I never say anything wrong.

Oh! well I remember on being sent to school,
The schoolmaster he called me an ass,
Well he knew nothing and I knew as much,
I was top the wrong end of the class.
One day the word damsel, he gave me to spell,
And told me I mustn't be long,
I had to commence with a D.A.M. dam,
But I mustn't say anything wrong.

Our railways are all in very bad state,
What can they be thinking about,
Well why don't the Government take them in hand,
And buy all the companies out,
There's either collisions as train after train,
Goes heedlessly rushing along,
Or else there's a bother with some girl or other,
But I mustn't say anything wrong.

This war that is raging with Turkey just now,
I think is a very great sin,
And Russia I vow is the cause of the row,
And England may yet be drawn in.
But Russia I fear has forgot the Crimea,
Where she was thrashed all along,
Well we whopped her before and can do it once more,
But I mustn't say anything wrong.

The ladies, oh! bless them, the sweet little dears,
They're all very nice I must say,
But what is a poor blessed fellow to do,
For they've taken his clothes all away.
A man from a woman you scarcely can tell,
For in ulsters and hats they're so strong,
I'm told they declare that the breeches they'll wear,
But I mustn't say anything wrong.
Written, composed and performed by William Parker
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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