I NEVER HEARD FATHER LAUGH SO MUCH BEFORE
 
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Father is a gay old dog,
He likes his bit of sport,
And one night at a party,
There were girls of every sport.
Inside the parlour, games they played,
The merry time to pas;
They played at hiding buttons,
When someone turned out the gas.

Chorus: And I never heard father laugh so much before,
They were looking for buttons all about the floor,
When a cheeky girl called Maudie Rose,
Started cutting them off his clothes,
And I never heard father laugh so much before.

Auntie Jane went bathing,
By the sea, the silly elof!
The bathing costume auntie wore,
Was one she'd made herself.
To see her splashing in the sea,
The family all went,
When auntie and her eighteen stone,
Came from the bathing tent,

Chorus: Oh! I never heard father laugh so much before,
When he spotted the bathing dress that autie wore.
She'd made one out of a window blind,
With a bunch of seaweed stuck behind,
And I never heard father laugh so much before.

One day round the monkey's cage,
We all were at the zoo,
When mother cried to father, 'Look!'
There's one there just like you.'
Father said, so dignified,
'Those words I cannot stand!'
Then one old monkey smiled at him,
And shook him by the hand.

Chorus: And I never heard father laugh so much before,
One of the monkeys there began to roar,
'Look what's just come up by train!
There's uncle John, come home again!'
I never saw father's relatives much, before.

Father's fond of scouting,
And his heart is full of glee,
When he's among the bathing vans,
Down by the silv'ry sea.
To see him peeping round them all
Would fairly make you smile,
One day outside a bathing van,
He stayed for quite a while,

Chorus: And I never heard father laugh so much before,
When peeping through a hole upon the door,
But a girl in there by the name of Vi.
Poked her finger in his eye,
And I never heard father say his prayers before.

Father's fond of ballets,
Where the pretty ladies dance.
He always goes to see them,
Ev'ry time he gets the chance.
One night he saw one dancing,
And so gracefully she tripped,
He thought her truly marvellous,
When suddenly she slipped.

Chorus: And I never heard father laugh so much before,
He clapped his hands and shouted out, 'Encore!'
When mother jumped right out of her place,
Pushed her program over his face.
I never heard father swear so much before
.

 
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Written and composed by Fred Godfrey and Billy Williams - 1912
Performed by Billy Williams (1877-1915)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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