I SHOULDN'T BE AT ALL SURPRISED
 
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I am not the sort of chap to be surprised at anything
By nature I am what you'd call phlegmatic
When strange events occur I just raise my eyebrows so
And really that is almost always automatic
One day in Leicester Square, a lady friend I chanced to meet
She threw her arms around my neck and kissed me in the street
A fellow rushed up shouting, "That's my wife you've just embraced."
As a man of breeding I apologised
He said, "And if I turned away, you'd do an encore, I dare say."
I said, "I shouldn't be at all surprised."

I went into a restaurant one day to get a snack
Though of such places I'm only in as tester
The waiter came up to my side and when I looked at him
Upon my soul I thought 'twas Alfred Lester
I said, "I'll have some soup." The waiter said, "Yes, thick or clear?"
I Answered, "Clear." He said, "The clear soup's very clear, sir, here."
I started on the soup. The waiter said, "I've got the sack,
Because I talk too much."... I sympathised
He said, "It looks like rain, it do."
I said, "The soups tastes like it too."
He said, "I shouldn't be at all surprised."

Some years back I fell out of work, then went and fell in love
I know I was a silly ass to do so
I whispered, "Will you marry me?" She looked me up and down
And answered, "Yes, if you'll pay for my trousseau."
She said, "When we are man and wife, I'll be the boss you know
I'll have the door key and all that." I muttered, "Is that so?"
She went on, "You must stay at home, and put the kids to bed
And you'll see that all their food is sterilised.
I'll give the orders, you'll obey." As I turned to bunk away
I said, "I shouldn't be at all surprised."

Once in a fit of peevishness I joined the anarchists
A traitor had been found, he'd got to suffer
We drew lots who should throw the bomb, as you might guess... I clicked
Although at anarchisting I'm a duffer
At day-break I'd to throw the bomb that sent him to his doom
The President that evening saw me safely to my room
He said, "We've put the bomb, for safety, underneath the bed
It's clockwork and with Greenwich synchronised
At five-o' clock sharp, off it goes. You'll get up early I suppose?"
I said, "I shouldn't be at all surprised."
 
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Performed by George Robey (1869-1954)
 
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