I WAS HOLDING MY COCONUT
 
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I'm a bit of a sport I am. One day, oh dear, oh lor
I went to Hampstead Heath and I enjoyed myself I'm sure
I had a go at the coconuts and knocked a beauty down
I was brimming all over with joy upon me journey back to town.

Refrain: I was holding me coconut when a lady winked at me
'I see you've got it with you' she shouted out with glee
Up came the hubby. He threw me in the cut
The only thing that kept me afloat was holding my coconut.


One night I dreamt in the barber's shop I got a lovely job
I went and stuck my coconut on the bedstead for a knob
Dreaming of shaving the customers from my bed I had to hop
I soon got hold of a lather pot, the razor and the strop

Refrain: I was holding my coconut, the wife awoke and said
'Whatever are you doing, you must be barmy, Fred'
She started giggling at the funny capers I cut
Standing there, shaving me hair, holding me coconut.


Mr. Solomon's pawnshop I was passing by this morn
He said, 'The wind's been very high and one of the balls had gorn'
Said Solomon with a look in his eye, 'Well can't you help me please
There's only a couple of gilded globes a dangling in the breeze

Refrain: I was holding my coconut. The pawn broker said to me
I can't do any business. My sign has broke you see
One of the balls has blown away, the shop I'll have to shut.'
I said, 'Don't worry yourself, old man, I'll lend you my coconut.'


One morning I thought I would like to go shooting on the moors
I nearly lost my life for as I was coming out-of-doors
Under my vest I went and put the coconut you see
Lucky I did 'cos instead of the bird some fellow had a shot at me.

Refrain: I was holding me coconut, when a bullet struck me in the chest
Up came a doctor. He looked beneath my vest
'Your blood ain't red, it's white' he said. I said, 'Gu-gu-gu-gut
I'm not hit in the chest at all, I'm shot in the coconut.'
 
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Performed by Harry Champion (1865-1942)
 
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