The other day I met a girl
With views on men erratic
For hours and hours she'd run them down
In manner most emphatic.
‘I have no time for men' she cried,
‘Can you not do without them?'
I replied, very brief, to the point, as I wont.
‘Oh I would, if I could, but I can't, so I won't.

One day a man proposed to me,
A thing I am not used to,
Asked me to marry him and was
Upset when I refused to.
My no no no, so affected his brain,
He raved just like a madman,
‘I will tear, out my hair, by the roots'… and I grant
That he would, if he could, but he's bald, so he can't.

The other day I met a Scot
In a punt off Karno's Island.
A pair of beautiful knees he'd got,
And a kilt that was West Highland.
With such a chance as this he cried
Shall we two swim together?
Like a shot, I replied, very sharp, No you don't
Oh you would, if you could, but I don't, so you won't.

As a typist once I took a job
With a Firm down in the City
The boss remarked, ‘For such hard work
You're really much too pretty.
Tomorrow morning I will suggest
Some work far more congenial.'
That was kind, was it not?, Food for thought, Oh my aunt!
And he would, if he could, but I've left, so he can't.

One evening round in Lucy's flat
A man paid her a visit.
Outside ‘twas raining cats and dogs
He said ‘Not pleasant is it?'
She said ‘You'd better stay with me
Until the storm blows over.'
He replied, You forget, I've a wife, and a kid
Oh I would, if I could, but I can't, but he did!
Written and composed by Donovan Parsons/Reginald Relsie & Edward Tracey - 1922
Performed by Margaret Bannerman (1896-1976)
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