I'LL PLACE IT IN THE HANDS OF MY SOLICITORS
 
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What e'er I think of any man, I'm certain to express it
My temper's rather hasty, though I'm sorry to confess it
If any man offends me, aye, the best I ever saw, sir
Apologies I'd not accept, I'd have recourse to law, sir.

Chorus: I'll place it in the hands of my solicitor
I'll have this thing put right
I'll spend my money, oh, ain't it funny
How money makes the lawyers fight.


I never try to ape the swell, for I detest the swell ah
But one thing makes a man look well, and that is his umbrella
A lovely silk one, silver knobbed, the other night I leant Jack
A brother of my wife, you know, and this is what he sent back.

Chorus:

I need to think my wife was Jam, ah, those young days were jammy
But now we've got three grown up sons, there's Tommy, Dick and Sammy
She cannot bear the smell of smoke, and I'm a constant smoker
Today my meerscham pipe she broke, with a red hot kitchen poker.

Chorus:

I've owned some shops in Bunkam Street, twelve years or maybe longer
From one man I can't get my rent, that's Craddock the fishmonger
Last week, I said, 'You pay my rent,' 'Get out of this,' said Craddock.
'You give me something first,' I said, said he, 'Then take this haddock'

Chorus:
 
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Performed by Arthur Lloyd (1840-1904)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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