I’M GOING TO BE A NUT
 
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The mater seems concerned about my future, the poor dear
She doesn't know my mind's made up concerning my career
I've got the whole thing cut and dried, so far as I can see
I know the line where I shall shine, and what I'm going to be

1st Chorus: I'm going to be a nut; I'm going to be a nut
I will be a nut one day
And when I get my own way
Whoa! The game I'll play
I shall have to tell mamma and the nursemaid
That my eyetooth I've cut
They still come and tuck me up when I go 'bye-bye'
What a nut, what a nut


2nd Chorus: I'm going to be a nut; I'm going to be a nut
I will be a nut one day
And when I get my own way
Whoa! The game I'll play
With a little bit of fluff from the 'Chorus: '
Can you see me? tut-tut
A bird and a bottle at the Ritz or Romano's
What a nut, what a nut


I'll make those tailor-chaps sit up; I'll have my money's worth
The clothes I wear will have to be like nothing else on earth
When I've got all my war paint on, complete from boots to hat
The common herd will cry, 'My word! Why, who the-what-what's that?'

1st Chorus: I'm going to be a nut; I'm going to be a nut
I will be a nut one day
And when I get my own way
Whoa! The game I'll play
I've been training pretty hard with an eyeglass
It's a tough job - tut-tut
I'll fix the bally rotten thing if it kills me
What a nut, what a nut


2nd Chorus: I'm going to be a nut; I'm going to be a nut
I will be a nut one day
And when I get my own way
Whoa! The game I'll play
And there's sure to be a scream with the ladies
At the laundry - tut-tut
'Lor love a beetle! Who gets into these pyjamas?
What a nut, what a nut


Ma says that when I'm older I may smoke a cigarette
Why, Lordy! I've smoked lots of 'em, but ma don't know that yet
I make the smoke come through my nose! It takes some doing but
You've got to do these things if you would make the perfect nut

1st Chorus: I'm going to be a nut; I'm going to be a nut
I will be a nut one day
And when I get my own way
Whoa! The game I'll play
I nearly got the smoke through my ears once
Very nearly - all but
And, Oh! What a whirligig my poor little head was
What a nut, what a nut


2nd Chorus: I'm going to be a nut; I'm going to be a nut
I will be a nut one day
And when I get my own way
Whoa! The game I'll play
I shall flutter at the shrine of the barmaid
And it will be some flut
'I'll meet you this evening if you've nothing on, dear!'
What a nut, what a nut


I'll have to run a motorcar, no nut would be without,
A car that scatters everything when you drive round about
The fittings will be gorgeous - take your hair right out of curl
And one of them will be a gem, the real nut's 'nutty' girl

1st Chorus: I'm going to be a nut; I'm going to be a nut
I will be a nut one day
And when I get my own way
Whoa! The game I'll play
I shall have to show the girl I am a real nut
She'll expect that - tut-tut
And you can't be a nut until you've smashed up a p'liceman
What a nut, what a nut


2nd Chorus: Same as the first except lines 5, 6, and 7 go as follows:-
And if Kitchener would make me a Captain
Or a colonel - tut-tut
There'd be something to talk about with me in the Lifeguards
 
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Performed by Vesta Tilley (1864-1952)
 
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