I'M NOT SUCH A GOOSE AS I LOOK
 
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I'm sorry there's no one to introduce me
I suppose I must do it myself
A lonely old widow with very few friends
Quite content to remain on the shelf
My best friend is 'Julie' the goose - bless her heart
For she's one of the best in the land
By all those around me I'm called 'Mother Goose'
But I want you to quite understand.

Chorus: I'm not such a goose as I look
I'm not such a goose as I look
Although I'm a widow and now on the shelf
I had some good offers from fellows with pelf
I had enough with the last, I'd rather remain on my hook
I'd sooner keep rabbits than marry again
I'm not such a goose as I look.


I went to the theatre and saw the first act
Of a drama I thought was a treat
I looked at my progamme, and got such a shock
That I quickly vacated my seat
'There's no re-admission,' the manager said
'Don't upset yourself Mister,' said I
'I've no wish to come back again, believe me
Though no doubt you think I'm a 'pie'.

Chorus: I'm not such a goose as I look
I'm not such a goose as I look
Said he, 'Don't you like it?' I said, 'Yes, I do,
But my programme says, between acts one and two
'Twenty-five years will elapse'
And I've got supper to cook
I'm not such a goose as I look.'


I sat rusticating one day, near a farm
I was watching some ducks by the way
A sportsman came up with his gun, and he said
'I'm annoyed, I've had no sport today.
I'll give you a fiver if you'll let me shoot
At those ducks from, say, two hundred yards.'
I said, 'Yes, with pleasure.' he chuckled and smiled.
But he shouldn't for I know my cards.

Chorus: I'm not such a goose as I look
I'm not such a goose as I look
He fired at those ducks and he killed twenty-one
Then gave me five pounds and said, 'I've had some fun
You're sorry now, I suppose?' I said, as I took the fiver
'I'm not a bit sorry, those birds are not mine.'
I'm not such a goose as I look.


Mrs Miggs and I went in a bar and she called
For two ports, and I drank up mine first
Said she, 'Have another?' I said, 'I don't mind.'
I drank that, she said, 'Lor, what a thirst
P'r'aps you'll have another? I said, 'There's no p'r'aps
I will have one if you like to pay.'
She did, I drank that, then she said, 'You're a goose.'

Chorus: I'm not such a goose as I look
I'm not such a goose as I look
She said, 'But you drink up so quickly, my dear
That's three to my one you have made disappear
Tell me what makes you do that?'
Said I, as the next one I took
'I've seen things knocked over before now, old girl
I'm not such a goose as I look.'


I went up to London a few weeks ago
On a bus I got very annoyed
I said, 'Driver, what statue's that over there?'
He said, 'That one? Oh that's Marie Loyd.'
A lady behind whispered, 'No, it's the Queen.'
I said, 'Thanks.' Then the driver said, 'Oh,
And that big one there's Charlie Peace.' I said, 'Hush
I will ask you if I want to know.'

Chorus: 'I'm not such a goose as I look
I'm not such a goose as I look
To fool me with that one I don't think you can
That statue I know represents a great man
Though 'tis a hundred years since
Those Frenchmen and Spaniards he shook
That's Nelson, the greatest the world's ever seen
I'm not such a goose as I look.'
 
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Written and composed by F. Leo - 1906
Performed by Wilkie Bard (1874-1944)
 
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