I'M WAITING FOR HIM, TONIGHT
(Parody of 'Queen Of My Heart')
 
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I burned both my hands while a-trying,
To cook the old man's mutton broth,
My fat, boss-eyed baby was crying,
I believe she's a little bit off,
The fat it set fire to the chimney,
That made the old man very wild,
He swore to the wall he would pin me,
Then with rage he sat down on the child.
And the child began a-screaming,
As it never screamed before,
My nose with claret was streaming,
He tried to separate my jaw.

Chorus: He knocked me and punched me this morning,
He put his poor wife in a fright,
I'll pay him without any warning,
I'll be on his track tonight.
He kicked me and punched me this morning,
He caused his poor wife such a fright,
I shall cop him without any warning,
I'll give him long oats tonight.

He grumbled and growed at his vituals,
And swore that it wasn't cooked right,
He swallowed a jar full of pickles,
I know he did that out of spite.
He knocked my poor head on the fender,
Which put me in terrible pain,
But he'll find his sit-down very tender,
He won't ever do it again.
His two eyes started squinting,
As they never squinted before,
On two sticks he'll go limping,
He shan't know himself any more.

Chorus: He kicked me and punched me this morning,
My poor face he made such a fright,
He blacked both my eyes without warning,
But I'm on his track tonight.
He kicked me and punched me this morning,
And made my poor face such a fright,
My eyes he bunged up without warning,
I'll pay him all back tonight.

He's lumbered my stays and bustle,
I've scarce a rag now to wear,
When I meet him there'll be such a tussle,
On his head I'll not leave a hair.
I've got a flat-iron I'll show him,
He may upset me then if he can,
I'll bet his grandmother won't know him,
He'll be such a different man.
I feel I'm getting stronger,
I've a chopper here, in the store,
I won't stand it no longer,
I've had enough of him before.

Chorus: Fresh strength I'm going to borrow,
I'll paste him 'til he's black and white,
I won't let him go 'til tomorrow,
I'll be on his track, tonight.
He kicked me and punched me this morning,
And made me a terrible sight,
I'll cop him, I won't give him warning,
I'll give him long oats tonight.

 
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A slightly different, probably later version.
 

I scalded myself while a-frying
A nice piece of steak, rather off
My fat-headed baby was crying
She's bad with a nice whooping-cough
The steak got burnt to a cinder
Which made my old man very wild
Then he threw all the lot through the winder
And smashed me on the nose with the child
And my nose began a bleeding as it never bled before
While his mercy I was pleading, he was trying to dislocate my jaw.

Refrain: He punched me without any warning
And made his poor wife such a fright
He knocked corners off me this morning
But I'm waiting for him tonight
He punched me without any warning
And made his poor wife such a fright
He knocked corners off me this morning
But I'll give him beans tonight.

He turned up his nose at his wittles
And the pickles at me he then threw
And he swore that the taters were skittles
And the steak it was like chewing glue
Then he struck me three times with the fender
And caused me such exquisite pain
But I'll bet there's a part of him tender
'Twill be long ere he sits down again
Then his eyes began to glitter
As they never glit before
And because I wouldn't fetch him bitter
He rolled me up and down the floor.

Refrain: He punched me without any warning
And made this poor face such a fright
He knocked corners off me this morning
But I'm waiting for him tonight
He punched me without any warning
And made this poor face such a fright
He knocked corners off me this morning
But I'll give him 'gyp' tonight.

 
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Performed by Dan Leno (1860-1904)
 
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