Now the song I'm going to sing is about a handy thing,
And it's usefulness to everyone is known;
Well, it's not the aeroplane, Taximeter or the train,
It's the little thing we call the telephone.
There's the friend that calls on you, when he wants a pound or two,
He calls again but doesn't mean to pay.
Then he'll offer you cigars, then he coughs and hums and ha's!
Well, you know exactly what he's going to say.

Chorus: Oo diddley oo, you're thinking what to do,
As he's about to ask you for a loan.
Simply smile at him and say,
'I - er - really must away (bell)
You'll excuse me but, I'm wanted on the phone.'

An idea came to me, that a grand thing it would be,
With some pals to start a new dramatic club;
So we learnt a tragic piece, call, 'The Winkle Washer's Niece'
And we opened at the local village pub.
We went on very gay, till the third set of the play,
'Twas the part where Jim the landlord met his death.
For Shockerlol the Jew put us all in such a stew,
For he very nearly stopped poor Jimmy's breath.

Chorus: Oo diddle oo. the crowd began to boo,
'The Bells,' he cried, as Jimmy gave a groan,
'They have come to haunt my soul!'
Shouted Jim, 'You're up the pole, (bell)
Get off my neck, I'm wanted on the phone.'

In a factory, Mick Malone, thought he'd try the telephone,
So he siezed the tube and held it in his fist,
Then he cried, 'Hello there, Burke are yer there, yer lazy Turk?'
'Yes I am,' said Burke, 'Yer lump of Oirish Twist!'
'Begorra,' said Mickee, 'if yer talk loike that to me,
I'll give yer such a swipe across the jaw.'
'Yer try it on,' said Pat. Shouted Mick, 'Take that - and that,
If you speak another word ye'll get some more.'

Chorus: Oo diddle oo, he broke the thing in two,
The boss came up. Then shouted Mick Malone,
'I've dealt him such a crack
And he'd like to hit me back,
But he can't, bedad, I've broke the telephone.'

Monday night I chanced to go to a Fancy-Ball, you know,
Where I met a fascinating little maid;
She'd a dainty little foot and I really thought she put
The famous 'Merry Widow' in the shade.
Well, we had a dance or two, then we disappeared from view
To a corner where we sat in lonely bliss;
Then I murmered, 'May I ask you just to remove the mask?'
'I will,' said she, 'if you'll give me a kiss.'

Chorus: Oo diddly oo, I sidled up to Sue,
She whispered, 'Kiss me.' in a tender tone;
But her mask fell out of place,
Heavens! what a chivvy chase! (bell)
I said, 'Pardon me, I'm wanted on the phone!'

Now, the wife that shares my food is to me unkind and rude,
And to her I haven't spoken for a week;
And although it seems absurd, I've not spoke a single word,
For I couldn't interrupt her, so to speak.
But today she bought some steak and a pie she tried to make,
I ate the steak which nearly made me bust,
I'd pains inside my 'tum'; then I knew my time had come,
When she cried, 'Now come, you'll have to eat some crust.'

Chorus: Oo diddley oo, what was I to do,
'Twas certain death to eat that paving stone.
Was there naught to save my life?
'Come on, eat it.' said the wife. (bell)
I shouted, 'Can't! - I'm wanted on the phone!'

Written and composed by Frank Wood - 1908
Performed by Bernard Russell (1876-1910)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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