IN THE LAND WHERE THERE ARE NO GIRLS
 
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On an island not so many miles away
Where there's not a girl about to see,
All the people residing on that island there
Are of the masculine fraternity.
Not a bit of lace
Anywhere about the place,
They don't know what a girl is worth
There each poor old mister he
Leads a life of misery,
They all wish that they were off the earth.

Chorus: In the land where there are no girls,
In the land where there are no girls,
Poor old man is fairly on the shelf;
He doesn't know what to do with himself.
Never see any goo-goo eyes,
Any petticoat or roguish curls.
Without somebody's daughter
He's a fish that's out of water
In the land where there are no girls.
There's a girl wanted there
.

Poor old man there washes all his things and bits
And hangs them out to dry upon the rocks.
No nice girls there to cook his eggs and bacon
Or to stay at home and darn his Sunday socks.
All the lot are boys,
Dressed up in their corduroys,
And fine chaps fairly in their prime.
If there's some old maids about,
If they went there there's no doubt
No mistake they'd have a lovely time.

Chorus:

On that island they all go to bed at nine
Because they've got no girls to keep them out.
No nice shops there with dainty little these and those
Or any saucy fal-de-rals about.
Girls both dark and fair
Take a little trip out there
And you will sure to be all right.
Fancy all those lovely chaps
Waiting there with vacant laps,
You could have a new one ev'ry night.

Chorus:

 
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Performed by Billy Williams (1877-1915)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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