IN THESE OLD LAVENDER TROUSERS
 
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I know what you're looking at, people. What you've got your eyes on I can tell.
It's these dear old lavender trousers, wishing you'd a pair like them as well.
My granddad left them to me so I could look a toff,
And I said till I was dead, I would never take them off.

Chorus: In these old lavender trousers I've skipped and jumped and skated,
Laughed and wept, worked and slept, and twice been vaccinated.
I've drunk four ale, I've drunk champagne, been up the pole and down a drain.
I won the heart of Mary Jane in these old lavender trousers!


Late last night I toddled in Lipton's. Everybody yelled, "Here's someone big!
Who's that in those lavender trousers? Henery the eighth or Lipton's pig?"
I ran round the counter quick, and when I wasn't seen,
Down my legs I stowed some eggs, and a roll of margarine,

Chorus: In these old lavender trousers. But soon I did feel shocking!
I turned green. The margarine was running down my stocking.
Lipton called a man in blue, then all the eggs were hatching too.
All the little chicks went, "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" in these old lavender trousers.


Once when I was staying in Brighton, mashing all the girls on the prom, what-what!
Dazzling them with my lavender trousers, suddenly the girls yelled out, "Great Scott!"
Some old chap was running round wrapped up in wet seaweed,
Shouting, "Dogs, they've pinched my togs!" so like a friend in need,

Chorus: In these old lavender trousers, said I, "There's room for two, sir!
Though you're fat, and I'm like that, I'm sure there's room for you, sir!"
And all the girls began to screech, for he and I had one leg each,
And arm in arm we toddled up the beach in these old lavender trousers.


Last year we had a week in Blackpool, hadn't got a trunk or a bag, and so
Packed the things in the back of my trousers. I was a walking portmanteau.
When we reached the station, Oh! My missus, what a brain!
Said, "don't pay for the kid, you jay! Smuggle him into the train."

Chorus: In these old lavender trousers, I pushed our little Sammy,
Walked right thro', and paid for two: me and his dear mammy.
But that kid, when the guard came round, got me pinched and fined a pound,
'Cos he poked his head thro' a hole that he had found in these old lavender trousers.


Once I was a tragedy actor—thirty bob a week, and a real big star!
When the limelight shone on these trousers, ladies in the stalls would faint—ah, ah!
In the drama "Dirty Dick" I fairly froze their blood,
Till the lords up in the "gawds" started throwing lumps of mud.

Chorus: In these old lavender trousers, to act I wasn't willin'.
They kicked me on and the limelight shone, and the heroine said, "Vill'in!
Have you no heart for a woman's woe? No tender feeling at all? No, no!"
Then I rubbed my patch and I said, "What oh!" in these old lavender trousers.
 
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Written and composed by R. P. Weston & Harry Bedford - 1912
Performed by Harry Bedford (1873-1939)
 
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