IN TRAINING
 
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The gov'nor of the beer shop down our street said to me the other night
'You're a smart young fellow, and if you don't mind I'd like to be your backer in a fight.
There's Flat-Nosed Bill he's eager for a job, and he's looking fo a likely chap,
There's a shilling for yourself if you can only whack him in a ten round scrap.'
'Right,' said I, told the missis all about it, then she said to me,
'Don't you fret, that bob is yours, for your trainer I will be.'
She commenced at once, and upon my word, if you only saw my shape,
Well, I won't brag now, but the other chap's wife will soon be wearing crepe.

Chorus: Only wait till I get to work with my terrible left and right
I'll pretty soon put out the light of the fellow I'm going to fight
For the old girl's shown me how to put 'em up, and she's very very 'thick' you see,
If I don't make it warm for Flat-Nosed Bill, she's bound to make it hot for me.

The missis got to business right away - fairly on the job was she
And upon my civvy in a day or two I felt about as fit as any flea
She's always stuffing me with hard-boiled eggs, cabbages and cow-heel broth
In the cistern every morn she makes me bathe, and wipes me with emery cloth
Once I had such a lovely set of whiskers sprouting from my chin
Mary shaved me with the lid of a worn-out lobster tin
I was always weak in the wind, you know, but to her that was no check,
With a big air-pump three times a day she pumps wind down my neck.

Chorus:

She puts me into bed at six p.m. - lugs me out again at five
Then she sets me punching at a sack of coke, till I don't know I'm alive
She spars with me for an hour and a half - she's got a very nasty right
When I get it on my boko once or twice, my chivvy's like a farthing kite
Mary feels my muscles every morning, rubs me till I'm blue
So as to make me hard and tough, raw meat I have to chew
She has done me good, there can be no doubt, but it puzzles me a lot
Why I have to sleep by myself all night, but I s'pose she knows what's what.

Chorus:

 
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Performed by Harry Champion (1865-1942)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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