IT DOESN'T IMPROVE YOUR APPEARANCE
 
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To paint up your phiz as we poor comics do
Well, it doesn't improve your Appearance
To make you poor boko a roseate hue
It doesn't improve your Appearance
Of course it's alright if your songs go down well
If not, well, the audience will pelt you and yell
And a very stale egg on your organ of smell
Can't be said to improve you appearance.

Now lots of young folk long to try married life
But it doesn't improve your Appearance
If you marry a widow, a prize-fighter's wife
Well, it doesn't improve your Appearance
At night too the baby will shriek out and sob
And round the bedroom with the darling you bob
But the scanty apparel you wear for the job
Can't be said to improve your Appearance.

If you go to a barber who don't know his biz
It scarcely improves you appearance
If he carves little pieces right out of you phiz
It doesn't improve your Appearance
He talks very glibly as o'er you he goes
Cuts off your pet pimples, and treads on your toes
You leave with one ear, and a remnant of nose
Which hardly improves your Appearance.

You go in a pub and get into a fight
Which doesn't improve your Appearance
You say, 'Come outside! You fight me? alright'
But it doesn't improve your Appearance
But your foe gives a kick and it's not on the crown
He turns out to be the best kicker in town
When you call on your sweetheart, and cannot sit down
It scarcely improves your Appearance.
 
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Written and composed by Arthur Corney & J.C. Martin
Performed by Arthur Corney
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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