IT WOULDN'T SATISFY ME
 
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I've never done any work in my life and my age is thirty five,
Folks look at me and they say Great Scott! It's a wonder you're alive;
Some fellows think when they get in work, they're each a lucky dog.
And are quite satisfied with a full weeks screw but bust a blooming frog.

Chorus: It wouldn't satisfy me, oh, dear no,
Wouldn't satisfy me no,
Two hours work and ten hours play,
Boozed all night and asleep all day,
Live next door to a brewery,
That's what, what would satisfy me.

Prize fighting, once, was a noble art and the men were as hard as bricks
The last fight I saw was a runaway match and it didn't last two ticks.
One fellow just tapped the other on the nose and the crowd they cried, 'Bravo!'
Some of the toffs had to pay ten quid to witness that one blow.

Chorus: It wouldn't satisfy me, oh, dear no,
Wouldn't satisfy me no,
Give me the fights of days gone by,
Fifty rounds for a penny meat-pie,
Funeral to finish the spree;
That's what, what would satisfy me.

I get the knock when I hear of the grub that the big toffs have to eat,
Frog fricascee or dust hole soup, and some stuff that looks like meat.
Ox rudder soup and toadstool pie, and iced champagne in pails,
If that's what they call a luxury, oh, bless the Prince of Wales.

Chorus: It wouldn't satisfy me, oh, dear no,
Wouldn't satisfy me no,
Hot frankfurt or a big fat steak,
Something to make your jaw bones ache,
All of them got on the N.O.D.
That's what, what would satisfy me.

I've heard a lot said about married life and it's proper to be wed,
That's tommy-rot for I know very well that you might as well be dead.
Some fellows think if you want happiness and a nice long easy life,
All you require is a score of kids and a great big fat strong wife.

Chorus: It wouldn't satisfy me, oh, dear no,
Wouldn't satisfy me no,
Give me a harem in good style,
Have them all for a month, on trial,
All on my own on the strict Q.T.
That's what, what would satisfy me.

 
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Written, composed and performed by Tom Woottwell (1865-1941)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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