IT'S HOMELY, SO HOMELY
 
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Like most married men I am blessed with a wife
And my wife is blessed with a mother
And take her one way or another
I'm fond of the missis's mother
I never find fault with her, never complain
Such conduct would be a disgrace
But oh, how I would to get the dear creature a nice new face.

Chorus: It's homely, so homely, a face that would stop Big Ben
It does look a treat when she's smiling, but
It's like a 'pudden' that's just been cut
Big, fat and rosy, with teeth like a small tooth-comb
When ever that face is up at my place
I'd much rather not go home.


For five or six months we forgot to pay rent
So our landlord sent in the broker
I went for him first with the poker
But now I'm quite fond of that broker
He sits by the fire and we all call him Bill
The children all over him climb
They hope 'Uncle William' will stop in the house
For a long, long time.

Chorus: He's so homely, so homely, he's one of the family
He's always so busy - gets up at four
And does the washing and scrubs the floor
Plays to the kids on a fag-paper and a comb
And while I'm away at work all day,
He do make himself at home.


I've been lots of things in my time, but just now
Insurance-collecting my game is
Don't ask me what the company's name is
I merely describe what the game is
Now every Monday at twenty to four
I call on one lady - a cook
She gives me some tea, and she sits on my lap
While I sign her book.

Chorus: She's homely, so homely, her figure is plump and large
I get on all right when her lips I taste
But as for cuddling her round the waist
I might as well try to cuddle St Paul's dome
But she's very kind, she says, 'Never mind,
So long as you feel at home.'


I used to think Brighton a beautiful place
And every year I would go there
But things got so awfully slow there
I made up my mind not to go there
The girls down at Brighton, as ev'ry one knows
Can never go out without ma
So now every Summer I go to Boulogne, where
The French girls are,

Chorus: So homely, so homely, you can have a 'beano' there
They bathe all together, the girls and the chaps
The girls are awfully shy - well, p'r'aps
Soon as they see me frolicking in the foam
They pinch and they chase me all round the place
They do make me feel at home.
 
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Words and music by Fred Murray & Fred W. Leigh - 1902
Performed by Frank Seeley
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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