IT'S ONLY A FALSE ALARM
 

When first I received my engagement to sing,
And perform at this place, let me own
The remarks that were made by my numerous friends,
Were not complimentary in tone
Said they, "The first time that you open your jaw
You'll drive the folks out with your row,
And you'll soon get the 'chuck' from the Boss of the show."
Well, I've not got the 'push' up to now.

Chorus: But I'm expecting it every second;
Expecting it every tick;
It hasn't come off up to now, but I know
That it's bound to do so pretty quick.
In having these great expectations ,
There's always a sort of a charm;
(Looking round.) Is the 'chucker-out' there?
(Frightened.) What! he's coming for me?
(Relieved.) NO, it's only a false alarm!

These Sydenhams I bought yesterday, secondhand,
I've worn them the first time to-day;
But no sooner had I got to business, when
The buttons began to give way:
All except one of the brace buttons burst,
I have to be careful, you bet!
If this one should go, oh! there will be a scene,
Still that hasn't 'busted' as yet.

Chorus: But I'm expecting it every second;
Expecting it every tick;
It hasn't come off up to now, but I know
That it's bound to do so pretty quick.
In having these great expectations ,
There's always a sort of a charm;
Ah! it's gone, (feeling button) No it's not,
Ah! by jingo it has, (feeling button again)
No! it's only a false alarm!

When I was a boy (and a good boy I was,
A regular mothers sweet pet),
I never would smoke, and though I've this cigar,
I'll own I'm not used to it yet
My wife says a smoke makes me look quite a man,
So I'm smoking against my own will;
She bought me this one, it's a strong 'un, but still,
Up to now it has not made me ill.

Chorus: But I'm expecting it every second;
Expecting it every tick;
It hasn't come off up to now, but I know
That it's bound to do so pretty quick.
In having these great expectations ,
There's always a sort of a charm;
(Ill) Here it is, no, it's not,
(Ill again) Ah! but now it's a cert',
(Better.) No! it's only a false alarm!

For weeks I have had a bad cold in my head,
The weather has treated me rough;
I tried every cure, at last an old 'pal.
Said, "Here try a pinch of my snuff."
I did, "Now," said he, "it will cause you to sneeze,
And the sneezing will give you much ease,
You'll sneeze for a good twenty minutes or more,
That's wrong, for I've not had one sneeze.

Chorus: But I'm expecting it every second;
Expecting it every tick;
It hasn't come off up to now, but I know
That it's bound to do so pretty quick.
In having these great expectations ,
There's always a sort of a charm;
(Preparing to sneeze) Here it is, no it's not,
(Nearly sneezing again) Ah! but now it's a cert,
(Smiling) No! it's only a false alarm!

 
div
 
Written and composed by Wal. Pink and Harry Randall - 1889
Performed by Harry Randall (1857 - 1932)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
home spaceA spaceB spaceC spaceD spaceE spaceF spaceG spaceH spaceI spaceJ spaceK spaceL spaceM spaceN spaceO spaceP spaceQ spaceR spaceS spaceT spaceU spaceV spaceW spaceX spaceY spaceZ