JACK OF ALL TRADES
 
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When first I married Mary Ann I sold my butcher's shop
She said she didn't like the trade and so I thought I'd hop
She couldn't stand the smell, she said, of mutton, beef or veal
And so I took a music shop because its most genteel
But music got mixed up with meat, and so I shouted in the street,

Chorus: 'I've got some nice pianos today
Weigh up at five and four
And that's a beautiful filleted flute
A-hanging against the door
My mandoleans are nice and fat
Trombones are prime.' I said
And I hung all the fiddles all up in a row
And labelled them, 'Dairy fed.'


I quickly left the music line, I found it didn't pay
And took a small green-grocer's shop just down Whitechapel way
I thought 'twould be an easy job to earn my daily bread
But trumpets, drums, and music stools, they would come into my head
So while I sold the beans and peas, I shouted out such words as these,

Chorus: 'I've got some nice asparagus, ma'am,
All published fresh in June
My onions are right up to concert pitch
And they're humming a lively tune.'
And when I called out, 'Cabbages'
Some lady slapped my face
Just because I asked her if she wanted her greens
For baritone or for bass.


I got out of that business just as quickly as I could
And took a little doctor's shop to try and do some good
Of medicines and fancy soaps I had a splendid stock
And thought the pills and lozenges would sell like one o' clock
But coals and 'taters were my bane, and so I shouted once again,

Chorus: My caster oil's a shilling a peck
No more you ought to pay
And if you want to get rid of a corn
Tomatoes are cheap today
For spasms round the diaphram
My rhubarb's simply great
And my bananas are good for the gout
And everyone's full weight.


I started next in boots and shoes, and made a splendid 'snob'
But through that awful doctor's shop I lost nigh every bob
The people thought that I was mad because they heard me say
'You'll have to shake those button-hooks and take them twice a day.'
At last a dentist's place I got, but that was worse than all the lot.

Chorus: I took out all a lady's teeth
But, oh! she did look glum
I set to work with a penn'orth of nails
And hammered 'em in her gum
I put new side-springs in her cheeks
And got in sad disgrace
Through putting a last right down her throat
And trying to sole her face.


I started in the drapery line, but soon I understood
At selling ladies' fal-de-rals I wasn't any good
The so-and-sos and what's-a-names got fairly on my brain
So I thought as a tipster I'd get on my feet again
Upon the course my luck I tried, stood on a stool and loudly cried,

Chorus: 'Now don't run after 'Petticoats', gents
She'll drop, as sure as eggs
And I've been told that 'Embroidery' looks
Peculiar round the legs
There's a lot in 'Worsted Stockings' that
I fancy, bear in mind
But I'm going to follow 'Suspender' because
It's never yet been behind.
 
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Written by Edgar Bateman - Composed by Fred W. Leigh - 1907
Performed by George Brooks (1867-1947)
 
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