THE JOCULAR JUDGE
 
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I am a Judge and a good judge too
Try to make the best of the work I do
Anything I say seems to make folk laugh
Faces in the Court seem to break in half
What does it matter what the case may cost
At the finish to the party losing
I get my salary and a pension later on
So I can afford to be amusing.

Chorus: Every morning at ten thirty
I take my seat on the bench, and then
Tickle my nose with the feather on my pen
Just to show my jocularity
Nobody must laugh, it's quite well known
At anybody's jokes except my own
So I'm at the top, at the tip tip top, of my popularity.


Once I'd a case, 'twas a case of 'breach'
Plaintiff was a damsel, a perfect peach
Counsel said to her, 'I must ask you this
Tell me where you were when he kissed you Miss?'
She said, 'I wish you wouldn't ask me that
For my memory is somewhat dim, Sir'
I said, 'I fancy I can tell you where she was
Of course she was very close to him, Sir.'

Chorus: Every morning at ten thirty
I take my seat on the bench, and then
Tickle my nose with the feather on my pen
Just to show my jocularity
Crack a little joke and the Court has fits
They put it in the 'pink-un' and 'Tit-bits'
So I'm at the top, at the tip tip top, of my popularity.


Perhaps you have read of the case I tried
Lady and a gent took a motor ride
Presently they met with an accident
Resulting in a claim by the injured gent
He said, 'I had to overhaul her works
And discovered there was something shady'
Said I to the witness, 'What was that you overhauled?
Do you mean the motor or the lady?'

Chorus: Every morning at ten thirty
I take my seat on the bench, and then
Tickle my nose with the feather on my pen
Just to show my jocularity
Ladies very much my praises sing
Say that I'm a darling dear old thing
So I'm at the top, at the tip tip top, of my popularity.


Last Summer time at the gay sea-side
A lady to attract some attention tried
Local paper said she was far from right
Bathing in a costume a lot too tight
Consequence is we've had a libel suit
And we did the very best we could do
I had to see her in the judges private room
To judge if it fitted as it should do.

Chorus: Every morning at ten thirty
I take my seat on the bench, and then
Tickle my nose with the feather on my pen
Just to show my jocularity
When I told the wife, she was quite severe
And in my little home just now, I fear
I'm not at the top, at the tip tip top, of my popularity.
 
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Performed by George Bastow (1871-1914)
 
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