JOHN THE MASHER
 
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I am the sort of fellow you will meet with every day,
I captivate each pretty girl that comes across my way,
I always wear the very best of thirty shilling suits,
You'll find I always wear a pair of gaiters o'er my boots.
My necktie is my latest choice in colour and in taste,
My diamonds are the brightest and best of Paris paste,
I know the drapers' shops where all the cheap kid gloves are sold,
And my rings they are all plated well with eighteen-carat gold.

Chorus: They say I'm very clever as I do my La-di-da,
I sip my bitter beer and smoke my twopenny cigar;
I quiz the pretty barmaids that serve behind the bar,
And all the darlings call me 'John the Masher,' La-di-da!

I'm known by all the Totties and the Lotties in the town,
They know my name but they prefer to call me Captain Brown;
My chain's the latest pattern, there's none that can surpass,
It's warranted to be all solid eighteen-carat brass.
My watch, real German silver, it never leaves my fob,
It came direct from Birmingham and cost me fifteen bob,
And as I walk along the streets the girls I cannot pass,
They're sure to have a look at me and my sixpenny eyeglass.

Chorus:

I go to all the theatres when the pantomimes are on,
I beg an order for a box, they fancy I'm a don,
I nod to all the ladies as they come within my view,
They gaze at me and fancy that I'm some great lord knows who.
I throw a bunch of flowers to some pretty ballet girl,
Then lean back in my box and my moustache begin to curl;
And when the play is over, to the Gaiety bar I steer,
And spend my only fourpence in a smoke and bitter beer.

Chorus:
 
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Written and composed by Marcus Boyle - 1884
Performed by T.W. Barrett (1851-1935)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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