THE KERRECT KARD
(Downey Sam of Epsom)
 

Oh, here you are gents, now how d'ye do, they calls me Downey Sam,
And there's no mistake about it, a Kerrect Kard I am.
I trudge around the country and I picks up lots of browns,
You must have heard me crying Kerrect Kard on Epsom Downs.

Spoken - Here you are my noble British sportsman, I'm the reg'lar K'rect Kard and no flies, allers got every winner mark'd for them as don't hunderstand 'orses and I know hevry jock and hevry 'orse and hevry 'orses pedigree as never run a race, from the Flying Dutchman to the Flying Scud.

Chorus: They Calls me Downey Sam,
A Kerrect Kard I am;
On Epsom Downs I gets the browns,
And tips from Downey Sam.

Come on my noble Sportsman, if you wants to make some tin
I knows a 'orse for a great event, which as I hears must win
I knows a cove, as knows a bloke, as got it from a man
As knows a party wot told him he'd win it - if he can

Spoken - Mind yer gents, I allers gets my hinformation straight from the stable and I knows a certain party well and a party ses to me, Sam, ses he, seen that party? Wot party? ses I, Why, ses he, that party as told you about squarring that party to square the party wot had squarred that other party! Well us says I that party yerd me say suffin to a party on the course - Nuffin ott Sam I hope rayther ses I - wot did he hear you say Sam? - why he yerd me say -

Chorus:

The swells they all look out for me, so does the ladies too
They knows I is the Kerrect Kard and knows a thing or two
I'm allers right except sometimes, when things goes on the cross
Which is like to 'appen to heny of us - as well as to a 'orse

Spoken - Why in course a 'orse is a 'orse and will go queer sometimes, especially when the spiders and flies gets about 'em, but wot of that, only let me see a 'orse is fit and well at the post and the party got their money all on right and the Jock got his dollup on right, and no tricks bin played with any of the boys and barring all haxidents, why I means to say, that 'orse stands a werry good chance of - startin! but you look out for me and you'll know me when I cry -

Chorus:

There's no mistake about me gents I knows how things is done
I allers knows which 'orse'll win as soon as he has won.
So when you wants a Kerrect Kard and wants to win some browns
Mind you looks out for Downey Sam when you goes to Epsom Downs.

Spoken - And mind yer gents l've got suffin in my eye! Means for the Darby a real good thing and no spiders must win! Carn't help hisself! Mind, I ain't yerd if he's going to start yet but perwiding all things goes on right that's the 'orse but don't put yer money on yet, you wait till you see me at Epsom if I aint drinking champagne with the Prince of Wales in the grandstand I shall be somewhere there abouts and you'll be sure to hear my sweet voice a crying -

Chorus:

 
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Written and composed by W. Greenaway and A.G. Vance
Performed by A.G. Vance (1838 - 1888)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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