KIND FRIENDS
 

That I've come here to moralize or worry, pray don't think,
I've simply come to talk about that awful thing called drink.
For when a man has had enough, I think that he should stop;
By that, of course, I mean when he's full up to the top.

Chorus: Kind friends, kind friends! don't you think it right,
That all the public houses should be clos'd at nine o'clock at night?
If I were a member of Parliament, I'd save the lives of men,
For I'd close the pubs at nine o'clock at night,
And I'd open them again at ten.

I once drank such a quantity of that stuff they call beer,
That everything I gazed upon quite double did appear.
I then had two more glasses of that very self-same kind,
And then I couldn't see at all for I, kind friends, was blind!

Chorus:

I'd like to hang the publican or brand him with disgrace,
If he sold lemonade when he'd got beer inside his place.
Kind friends, I do implore you all teetotalers to be,
Don't touch the drink, oh, touch it not! then there'll be more for me.

Chorus:

 
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Written by Sam Mayo & George Davenport - Composed by Ted Cowan - 1902
Performed by Sam Mayo (1875-1938)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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