KINDNESS REWARDED
 
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I really can't help being kind
To everyone, young, old, or blind.
At a concert held some time ago
For charity's sweet sake, you know
The neighbours said they'd like to hear
My baritone voice ringing,
So I went on the concert stage
That night and started singing.

Chorus: I was rewarded for my kindness
Had it been a nice bouquet I wouldn't mind.
But they struck me on the head with a cabbage large and red
And that's what I got for being kind.

While strolling through the Bois Boulonge
The New Cut - pardon me - I'm wrong,
My eye upon a lady fell,
She was in trouble, I could tell.
A little baby in her arms
So gently she was rocking.
She asked me if I'd hold the kid,
While she pulled up her - boot lace.

Chorus: I was rewarded for my kindness
Had it been a diamond stud, I wouldn't mind
But she did a guy, of course, and my wife got a divorce,
That's what I got for being kind.

A dog-fancier I used to be,
But now the dogs all fancy me.
I had an argument one day,
It's cruel to muzzle 'em, they say
While strolling home, a big bull-dog
I noticed (Bless his guzzle),
He looked so sad, I pitied him,
Went up - took off his muzzle.

Chorus: I was rewarded for my kindness
Had he gently licked my hand I wouldn't mind.
But to show his gratitude, he flew at my - don't be rude.
And this is what I got for being kind.

Outside a coffee-shop one day,
I saw a great big brewer's dray.
The horse had slipped and had a fall,
Laid down, and couldn't move at all.
I rushed inside and found the man
Said, 'Leave your bread and butter,
Just come outside, your horse has fallen
Down there in the gutter.'

Chorus: I was rewarded for my kindness
Had he simply said, 'Oh thanks,' I wouldn't mind
But he muttered with a frown
'Garn, yer lie, - you pushed him down,'
And that's what I got for being kind.

 
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Performed by George Robey (1869-1954)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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