KING OF THE CASTLE
 
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Now when I fust got married, well, I wish'd as I'd tarried
'Cos my missus, who weighs close on twenty stone
Used to kick me, yuss, and fight me, pull my whiskers out and bite me
And in fact my bloomin' body warn't my own
Till one night when she was fairly up the pole
And just about to dot me on the jaw
Blow me pink, a little mouse came from 'is 'ole
And stood before us there upon the floor
My wife screamed and jumped upon a chair
I dropped some salt upon 'is tail, and nabbed 'im, I declare.

Chorus: And I'm the King Of The Castle, now
My wife she never wants a row
If she starts to grumble or to grouse
Out of the trap I fetch my mouse
Then it's blue fire and murder
Mary Jane's a-showing all her knee
But she ain't goin' to wear the trousers while
I've got my little pal along with me.

'E made my old gal 'ook it, then I took 'is paw and shook it
And 'e seems to say, "Buck up, I'm wiv yer, Bill
Swelp me bob I won't desert yer, while I'm 'ere the wife won't 'urt yer
But that old Tom Cat o' yourn you'll 'ave to kill."
"Right," sez I, then fed 'im up with milk and pap
'E smacked 'is lips and pricked 'is little ears
When my old girl starts, I allays show the trap
And like a 'alf-a-pint she disappears
No mistake, I'm the master of the house
I'd rarver lose my character than lose my little mouse.

Chorus:

Like a den o' roaring lions, wot's kept back by red 'ot irons
Is my missus, and it's ruining 'er 'ealf
When for my blood she's seeking and she 'ears my mouse a-squeaking
She can't kick me, so she goes and kicks 'erself
Straight, I often think some good kind fairy queen
Has turned 'erself into this mouse, yer see
Just to make my missus as she's lately been
Yuss, 'umble and obedient to me
Tonight I mean to 'ave a bit of fun
I'll stick the mouse inside the bed an' let it 'ave a run

Chorus:
 
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Performed by Gus Elen (1862-1940)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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