LAUGHABLE TIMES
(Coming Thro' The Rhymes)
 
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Missis Brown the other night went to a fancy ball,
The band began to play and she took off her paisley shawl.
She started dancing round and rouns upon the slippery floor,
She wore a wreath of roses and that's nearly all she wore.

Missis Green she made a pie, her husband took a bite.
As soon as he had swallowed it, his face turned blue and white.
He jumped about all full of pain and bitterly he cried,
At eight o' clock he took a bite, at nine o' clock he died.

A curate once came up to me and heaved a gentle sigh,
Said he, 'Young man do you know where you'll go to when you die?'
Said I, 'They'll take me in somewhere but where I do not know;
I've got friends in bothe places, so I don't care where I go!'

Now, Mary's in the ballet and she don't half know her 'biz',
She is a splendid figure, everybody says she is.
She wears a bolster in her chest and pads her legs as well,
But I'm her lawful husband, so I ain't a-going to tell.

Now my old woman dreams a lot of funny things, you know,
Last night she dreamt that she was serving yards of calico.
She must have had a shocking dream, for when I woke, alack,
I found that she had torn the shirt completely off my back.

Two loving sweethearts late one night were going to elope,
'Romeo' and 'Juliet', they thought they'd do a slope.
'Just slip on anything,' said he, 'it's a lovely moonlight, night.'
So she slipped on a piece of soap and Georgie said, 'Good-night!'

I've got another verse to this, a good one too, noy half!
The funny lines that's in it, they are sure to make you laugh.
So if you want to hear this verse, I'll tell you very plain,
When I go off, all clap your hands and bring me back again.

My sister's joined the army, the Salvation one I, mean;
She marches all round London banging on her tambourine.
She says she's going to glory, she is barmy I presume,
As sure as her name's 'Buttercup', the mad-house is her doom.

 
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Written by Charles Collins - 1904
Performed by George Collins (d. 1940)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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