LISTEN TO ME AND I'LL PROVE THAT I'M RIGHT
 
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Near where I live there's a girl from America
She rides a bicycle both day and night
How do I know that she comes from America?
Listen to me and I'll prove that I'm right.
I saw her riding her bike on a starry night
As the stars twinkled I got a good view
All of a sudden she fell off her bike
And then I saw the stars and I saw the stripes too.

Patrick Magee was a soft hearted Irishman
He saw his wife, Bridget, drowning one night
How do I know that poor Pat was soft-hearted?
Just listen to me and I'll prove that I'm right
He seized a rope and flung it around her waist
She sank at once, there was really no hope
Pat got five years for his kindness, and just because
He'd tied a brick on the end of the rope.

Major Fitz-Jones was a gallant young volunteer
He went to camp down at the Isle of Wight
He took a girl on the beach for a ramble
I know the girl well, so I know that I'm right
A boatman was painting a name on a boat there
He painted V.C. then he stopped for a rest
Major Fitz-Jones came along and sat on it
Now he's got the V.C. - but not on his chest.

I always study my wife first in everything
We had a sausage for supper last night
How do I study my wife first in everything?
Listen to me and I'll prove that I'm right.
I said, 'Do you like the end or the middle best?'
She said, 'The middle my palate commends.'
I said, 'All right,' then that sausage I cut in two
There was no middle, so I had both ends.

Always return good for evil's a motto that
I try to practice from morning till night
How do I always return good for evil?
Listen to me and I'll prove that I'm right.
My dog once bit a chap's wife on the garden path
He raved and cursed till I got in a fog
I said, 'Don't worry because my dog's bit your wife
Send your wife round and let her bite my dog.'

My wife advised me to go and see a doctor
She said I was fading away from her sight
Doctor said, 'Really you ought to play football
It's your only hope, sir - you'll find that I'm right.'
I said, 'But I don't know much about football
What part of the field shall I play, Doctor Reft?'
He took my coat off, examined me, then said
'Play outside right - you've got no inside left.'
 
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Written and composed by Sam Mayo / Fred Earle & Worton David - 1908
Performed by Sam Mayo (1875-1938)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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