A MATRIMONIAL CASE
 
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A fortnight ago I'd a horrible shock
For on my front door came a very loud knock
A man standing there said, 'Your rich uncle's dead.'
He pulled out a will and then to me said

'I leave all my fortune and mansion 'The Towers'
To my nephew - providing within seven hours
He gives up enjoying a bachelor's life
Gets married and then settles down with a wife.'

I put on my hat and coat with a shout
And in search of a good-looking wife I set out.

I wandered as far as my pet saloon bar
But the new barmaid there was so bony
She had delicate feet just like plates of cold meat
And legs that looked like macaroni.

My next love was Grace she'd a real pretty face
And when she smiled none could be finer
Her lips showed beneath a large set of false teeth
That resembled a bag full of china.

Florence was nice, she was full of advice
With a tendency always to prattle
She stood over six feet, if she swallowed a sweet
You could hear it drop down with a rattle.

Then Susan I spied, I had soon to decide
So I made her an offer of marriage
But her mouth caused a rift, it looked just like a lift
And could be used as mouse-trap or garage.

Then Maude I tried, she was awfully boss-eyed
And seemed such a terrible muddle
When she cried 'las alack, the tears rolled down her back
She sat in a perpetual puddle.

Priscilla was next, but she made me feel vexed
She'd a way that would choke any chap off
It's funny I know, but her nose turned up so
Every time she coughed she blew her hat off.

Then Myrtle I met, this girl was a pet
To escape wedding her I'd a struggle
Her speech wasn't crisp, she'd a horrible lisp
Like soapsuds descending a plug-hole.

Then upon Kate in my search for a mate
From Bethnal Green I became eager
When I offered my heart she politely remarked
About bashing me on the Bodega.

I loved Biddy a while from the Emerald Isle
But I very soon had to resign her
Her skirt was so short I was told to deport
When I murmured I see you're 'Shin-finer.'

I did not fancy Rose for she shined at the nose
And looked most decidedly passe
She was quite plain to read, build for comfort not speed
For she went fifty-four round the chassis.

Of flappers and fluff I have had quite enough
So marriage won't do for this chappie
My friends have all said I'd be better off dead
So I think I'll keep 'stoney' but happy.
 
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Written and performed by Leslie Weston
Performed by Fred Lincoln
 
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