The Medical Man - Will Dalton

THE MEDICAL MAN

Now I am a medical man, chock full of medical knowledge
I don't wish to say anything to offend
But some of the cases I have to attend
Are very peculiar. There was one some days ago,
A certain unfortunate Negro, you see
Was suddenly taken as ill as could be
He was awfully bad and so,

Chorus: They called me in to attend to him
And I soon got on the job
I said, 'If you've really the money to spare
The thing that you want is a change of air.'
His friends were very kind to that unlucky 'nig'
They were willing to give him a change of air
So they bought him a ginger wig.

Some people are terribly dense, in fact exceedingly silly
A patient of mine was a regular fool
A man who had never been sent to school
He suffered with some complaint, I forget exactly what
I think that a cold in the jiggermazoo
Had set up a sort of a how-do-you-do
In the lower forget-me-not.

Chorus: They called me in to attend to him
And I soon got on the job
I gave him some stuff, and was careful to say
'Now, take this in water three times a day.'
I went there later on and his wife said, with a laugh
'He's a-taking his physic in water, sir
For he's up to his neck in the barf!'

Some chap in a neighbouring street has got the kollicky wibbles
I paid him a visit and said to his wife
'If you are desirous of saving his life
There's only one thing to do, and you must attend to it
His diet has got to be nourishing, ma'am
So feed him on oysters and plenty of 'cham'
But he didn't improve a bit.

Chorus: They called me in to attend to him
And I soon got on the job
I said to the lady, 'Now, answer me plain
Did you give him oysters and good champagne?'
She quickly answered, 'No, for you see, they're awfully dear
So I gave him a penn'orth of almond whelks
And a bottle of ginger beer.'

I've had, in the course of my life, some most remarkable cases
They say that my knowledge is something sublime
I know what to do at a critical time
I heard a chap one day, who was bent on suicide
You see, he got suddenly tired of life
He was afraid of the rope and the knife
So to poison himself he tried.

Chorus: They called me in to attend to him
And I soon got on the job
The fellow had swallowed a bottle on ink
I looked at his tongue and began to think
Now, what do I do? I decided on the spot
I sent for a penn'orth of blotting paper
And said, 'You must swallow the lot!'

Performed by Will Dalton