MIXTURES
( That Finishes That Verse )
 
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Life is a kind of apothecary's shop
Joy and misery (Guess what it isery)
Are sold as pills with the sugar on the top
They're mixtures
Well, I've got a mixture you mustn't miss
The first ingredient goes like this
Pete O'Leary liked a drop of gin
He found a pub where nobody was in
Mooching round he spotted on the bar
What looked like a drop of Uamvar
Pete got there and shifted all the lot
Then outside he bolted like a shot
Said to a man who was polishing the brass
'I've had something tasty in a glass.'
The potman laughed and said, 'By God,
You've made a mistake it was vitriol
They picked up Pete and popped him in a hearse...
And that finishes the first verse.

Hiram Snooks whenever he was boozed
Got quite talkative, real New Yorkative
And they say the language that he used
Was flowery
One day a bus that crawled like a crab
Made a cannon off a four-wheeled cab
Busman and cabman both began to swear
Thunder and lightning flew about the air
Bikes and trikes they busted all their tyres
Down came the telephone and telegraph wires
Ten big policemen going on their beat
Dropped down dead in the middle of the street
Roofs of houses tumbled in the road
Five gasometers started to explode
Costers groaned and militiamen stared
Busmen and cabmen still Lord -Mayored
That Yank felt knocked when he heard the curse...
And that finishes the second verse.

Old Jerry Giles with his young and pretty wife
They were aboard a ship, coming home from a trip
Late one night said Jeremiah's wife
'I'm thirsty.'
Jerry, being deaf, to his wife did shout
'Go and get a drink, there's no one about
There's no light but I daresay
If you're careful you'll find your way
When you return, to make all sure
I'll put my foot outside the door.'
As he hollered out every word
All the rest of the passengers heard
So off she went, in less than a wink
Found the tap, had a big drink
Tried to return, but alas and alack
Jeremiah's wife she never came back
For a foot stuck out of each of the berths...
That finishes the third verse.

Billiger McGee once bought a yard of tripe
Which he carried home to his married home
Said his wife, 'As it isn't very ripe
I'll hang it.'
And so she collared that tripe so fine
Took it in the yard, hung it on the line
By and by - well, it grew quite strong
The whole of the atmosphere went wrong
Later on, as the sun rose higher
All the trees in the yard caught fire
Two fire engines came in a jiff
The firemen struck when they caught one sniff
Shops fell in - the neighbours guyed
All the dogs in the district died
The militia were fetched from a neighbouring town
Something burst and the house fell down
That tripe was ripe, and very much worse...
That finishes the last verse.
 
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Performed by T.E. Dunville (1868-1924)
 
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