THE MORMON'S SONG
 
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Bid all your beating hearts, be still, ye maids demure and pretty
I'm Bingham Young, the Mormon chief, the Shah of Salt Lake City
I've just come o'er the herring pond to beautify my harem
With forty loving wives and fond, or more if you can spare ‘em
So a chance like this you never should miss,
Ye maids demure and pretty
Come over with me, I think you'll agree
We're pepper in Salt Lake City


From far across the raging foam near Salt Lake's briny waters
I left my happy little home, and ninety sons and daughters
Two hundred wives are shedding tears of sorrow since they lost me
Two hundred fat and buxom dears, just fancy what they cost me!

Think of it. Two hundred wives. Can you believe such a thing? You ought to see our back yard on a washing day. It's a sight. What with theirs and mine, and mine and theirs, it's beautiful. It's divine. Of course a lot of people think that we Mormons are a Friendly Society, like Buffaloes or Reykavites. Oh dear, no. Oh dear, no. We may be oddfellows and we're very select. In fact, we're always selecting, and a lot of people think that because we are Mormons, that our wives are Mermaids. Oh dear, no. Oh dear, no. That's a longer tale. Now we are an old established firm, we are founded by King Solomon, and he knew a bit. Then there seems to have been a big gap in history, and Henry the Eighth came on the scene. He revived the order. Then the patent expired and opposition parties were formed by Bluebeard, the Sultan of Turkey, Smyth Piggot, and -but they were only a lot of amateurs, those fellows, but bless you....Mormonism is beautiful. You practise it in England today, only it's you employ a lawyer to get you out of it, and I don't think they call you Mormons over here. I think you're known as Warm'ns.

So a chance like this you never should miss,
Ye maids demure and pretty
Come over with me, I think you'll agree
We're pepper in Salt Lake City.
 
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Written and performed by George Robey (1869-1954)
 
 
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