MOTHER'S ADVICE
 
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Ever of thee, sweet Mother, I am dreaming
E'er since the day to Brighton we did go
I went to bathe, and home I bunnicked screaming
For a mighty crab was hanging to my toe
I said some words that paralysed my Pa
Crab never stirred until they fetched my Ma.

Chorus: My Mother said, 'Don't let go
Kick like thunder with your great big toe
Don't get crabby, for that crab's all right
Turn 'em on their backs and they won't bite.'


Ever of thee, sweet Mother, I am dreaming
And the room I slept in 'neath the trees
Where in the night, while a tallow dip was gleaming
I had a corps of Brighton fleas
I said some swears, and yelled for Mother dear
They formed in squares and attacked me in the rear.

Chorus: My Mother said, 'Don't be alarmed
Though every one with a gun is armed
Seize 'em with the tongs in a cast-iron grip
Turn 'em on their backs and they won't nip.'


Ever of thee, sweet Mother, I am dreaming
And of that night when I was but a boy
When from a can that in a shop was steaming
I trotted home a warlike saveloy
Just like a dog that poloney went for me
Folks came in mobs to see that mysteree.

Chorus: My Mother said, 'Don't hit him with a club
The poor thing's hungry, and he wants some grub
Perhaps he's been with Noah in the Ark
Turn him on his back, then he won't bark.


Ever of thee, sweet Mother, I am dreaming
And of a sight that seemed my blood to freeze
When late at night, while Thomas-cats were screaming
Some one let loose the Gorgonzola cheese
All round the room that cheese began to trot
And its perfume was sweet forget-me-not.

Chorus: My Mother said, 'That cheese is tall
If we don't kill him, then the house will fall
Go and tell the sanitary inspector to come
Turn him on his back, then he can't hum.
 
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Written and composed by Charles Osborne - 1895
Performed by T.E. Dunville (1868-1924)
 
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