MR. GREEN
 
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Not so very far from here, there is a certain city,
The size of which is not so very great,
But if you compare it with other cities large,
You'll find that it will knock the other cities off the slate.
Of course there is a reason for the greatness of this city,
That is, we have the finest local board that e'er was seen,
But what would the board be if once it should be stranded,
Without the lightning brain of that clever Mr. Green.

Chorus: Green, Green, clever Mr. Green,
Where would they have been,
If him they'd never seen.
It's a fact you will agree,
They'd all be up a tree,
And the only man to pull 'em down
Is clever Mr. Green.

Very likely there are lots and lots of other cities,
With twenty times the pubs that we have got,
But I will bet a fortune to anybody's bootlace,
Our pub, 'The Frog and Frying Pan' can fairly beat the lot.
In all this world I'm sure that there is not another city,
With half the public boons in ours can be seen;
And I have heard it whispered that there'll shortly be a statue,
Erected to the fame of that clever Mr. Green.

Chorus:

Wonderful improvements we are having in our city,
And what a splendid place it soon will be,
First we've got a fountain in the middle of the market,
And when we've got some water it will be a sight to see.
Then we've got a prison that is nearly always crowded,
And we've got a madhouse, the finest ever seen,
But what about the workhouse, fit for any palace?
And who proposed these useful things? Who? Why, Mr. Green.

SPOKEN - Of course, you would naturally ask yourselves, who is this Mr. Green? Of course, you don't know, you can't guess, of course not! Now think, just get up and get behind yourselves and ask yourselves who this Mr. Green is! There, I thought so, you don't know! Now think, I'll not say a word! Well, allow me to inform you that I'm Green; well, of course not Green altogether, no, no! I'm the man that made our city; well, it's not a city yet but when we get the corrugated iron church cathedralised, it will be a city and such a city! I've seen London and it's my belief that if London had not been London, our city would not have been, because we've got everything to make a city! First, there's the fountain, what price that splendid fountain? But there's a drawback, we've got no water for the fountain; you see the water we discovered was about nine miles away, so we held a board meeting, of which I'm the chairman and we discussed how to get the water to the fountain. Well, the first one to make a suggestion was Jones, the mechanical butcher; he said he thought we should carry the water in pails to the fountain and take it in turns to squirt it up with squirts! But that was no good; so they came to me and said, what are we going to do? What did I say? Here we are, we can't get any water; si I said let us do without, let us have water-cress instead, then we can eat them for tea! I suggested that! Why who proposed to build a madhouse? Green! Who proposed the workhouse? Green! Who proposed the prison? Green! Who was in it first? Green! No, Brown! No, I don't wish to claim everything; but it was Green who proposed we should close the public houses; close them, I said, one hour a day, to give the barmen a chance to wash themselves; because I think we should do our best to keep drink down; keep it down my friends, of course, it's impossible at times! But there you are, there's only one man in that city and his name is,

Chorus:
 
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Written and composed by Herbert Darnley
Performed by Dan Leno (1860-1904)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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