MY FIRST WIFE
 
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Three years ago there did not beat a heart so light and free
As that of Martha Muggins, and she's here tonight, you see
I kept a little chandler's shop, till William came one day
And o'er the counter courted me, and stole my heart away.

Chorus: 'My first wife never cooked fish like this
With my first wife life was perfect bliss!'
But I seized him by the hair of his head
And banged him on the mat
Then jumped on his chest and asked him
If his first wife ever did that.

He grumbles ev'ry morning, and he grumble ev'ry night
However hard I try to please, I can do nothing right
Confound his 'first wife', and the virtues that she had
If he keeps on in this way, I'm afraid I shall go mad.

Chorus:

When he comes home from work at night, and says he's quite tired out
If I say, 'Now then, make the bed.' he grumbles, lazy lout.
Sometimes he'll chop the firewood, or the coals upstairs he'll bring
Or else he'll clean the windows - nasty, idle, grumbling thing.

(Then patter about playfully hitting him with a hearth broom)

Chorus:
 
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Written, composed and performed by J.W. Hall
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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