MY GRANDFATHER'S CLOCK
 
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My grandfather's clock was a 'Waterbury' watch,
It could live 90 days without food.
With a silk 'at on its 'ead and my father's Macintosh,
It was dressed up like a Piccadilly dude.
It was kept in the hall,
'Till the cupboard got too small,
And we had no place the food, for to stock.
So the butter and the heggs,
And the little mutton legs:
We kept them in me grandfather's clock.

And the works of the clock,
Through the butter meltin' in it,
Sent the fingers flyin' round,
At a 'undred miles a minute,
And grandad, with a sigh, said
"I haven't time to die,
So I'll put it off until the clock's repaired."

My grandfather's glock was me mother's p'rambulator,
'Round the park in it we used to ride.
There was me, and Treacle Tummy,
Liza Ann, an' Justice 'Awkins,
Screamin' Jimmy, and the twins all stuck inside.
So grandad, 'oo was dead,
Changed his mind, got up instead,
And the sight that he saw give 'im a shock,
For the man 'oo brought the coal,
Couldn't get it down the 'ole,
So, 'ee slung it in me grandfather's clock.

And we didn't need a shovel,
As the pendulum swung 'igher.
For ev'ry time it swung,
It knocked some coal into the fire!
And at nine o'clock, the crank,
Used to chime a double blank,
So Grandad had to knock 'ee wouldn't go!
 
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Written and performed by George Formby Sr. (1877-1921)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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