Spoken: No thanks, old chap, not another spot for a diamond as big as a brick Old boy, I must go home tonight.

Tonight's the last night of my batchelor days
Tomorrow I married shall be
I shall have to conform to a married man's ways
Aye, and bid a good-bye to my key (takes out key)
You've been a good chum when we've been on the spree
And rolled home all times in the night
When I couldn't guide you, well, you've guided yourself
And we managed to get on all right
I may have stumbled on the mat
But you were not the cause of that
Ah, my latchkey. You've been a companion to me
And when I've been silly along Piccadilly
You've been as straight as could be
You've made a few holes in my pockets.I know,
And with keyholes you've made a bit free
But there's an affection of sweet recollection
Of my latchkey.

Spoken: No more latchkey. No more fun. It's all over when you give up this little fellow.

I went to a fancy dress ball the next night
My costume was that of Old Nick
On returning I got to my own street all right
And I wanted to get inside quick
Well, I opened the door, and I rolled up the stairs
I turned up the light, then I fled
Ye gods and green fishes, I said my prayers
But there was a lady in bed.

Spoken: And when I got outside I saw that I'd opened someone else's door. Yes, my latchkey..... You know you've been a bit of a rum devil in your time. All the same. I shall be awfully sorry to part with you, but you know as well as I do, old man, that wives and latchkeys never did agree, did they? Well, I promised to throw you away tonight, so you've got to go. Good-bye, old man, good-bye.
Written and composed by Adams & Ernest Woodville
Performed by George Lashwood (1863-1942)
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