MY MOTHER IN LAW
(Advice to Persons About to Marry)
 
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I said on the morning I married,
   ''Tis the happiest day of my life.'
As down to Newmarket I hurried,
   With my beautiful dutiful wife.
Each day will but add to my pleasure
   Along with the one I adore.
But I soon discover'd the plague of my life
It was not my friends, my servants or wife,
   But my fussy old Mother in Law, the bore!
   My fussy old Mother-in-Law.

The honeymoon over, returning
   To town with my dear little bride,
The care of the world I was spurning
   As we sat by our own fireside.
Said she, to my side drawing nearer,
   'As servants they are such a bore
And mother's a widow and lonely, dear,
We cannot do better than send for her here.'
   I answer'd her, 'Yes, to be sure, oh, la!'
   And I sent for my Mother-in-Law.
    
One morning in desperate hurry,
   A cab it drove up to my door,
Containing six boxes, a bundle,
   Two trunks, and my Mother-in-Law
Down the steps in a terrible flurry,
   To meet my wife's parent I tore,
Saying, 'Welcome dear madam, pray step this way,
I'm really delighted to meet you to-day,'
   As I handed in Mother-in-Law, the bore,
   My respectable Mother-in-Law.

My life up this was delicious,
   I never had cause for a frown,
But, 'Mamma' was so very officious,
   My house it was turned upside down.
The way she upset all my customs,
   I very soon voted a bore!
She 'worried,' and 'skurried' me out of my life,
I began to imagine instead of my wife,
   I had married my Mother-in-Law, the bore!
   Officious old Mother-in-Law.

In my house I was not my own master,
   Each day we'd a 'family jar,'
My wife couldn't expend a shilling,
   Without asking 'Darling Mamma'
'Mamma can do this,' and, 'Mamma can do that,'
   At length very plainly I saw,
If I wished to be happy and pass my life,
Quite free from matrimonial strife
   I must part with my Mother-in-Law, the bore!
   Interfereing old Mother-in-Law.
      
She told me so rudely one morning,
   I hadn't the least common sense,
'So it seems my dear Mother,' I answered,
   'With your presence I now can dispense,
So pack up your luggage and off you go,
   I've had quite enough of your jaw,
I'm determined no longer you stay with me,'
She departed that morning and left me free,
   Of my fussy old Mother-in-Law, the bore!
   Disagreeable old Mother-in-Law.

A moral my song is adorning,
   To persons about to be wed,
Will serve as an excellent warning,
   Remembering all I have said,
Relations are always best apart,
   Is a saying you've heard once before,
In two there is company, three there is none,
Be certain your every comfort is gone,
   If you live with a Mother-in-Law, be sure!
   Interfering old Mother-in-Law.
 
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Performed by Harry Clifton (1824-1872)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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