MY OLD MAN
 
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Now just ten years I've been a wedded martyr
But had I known as much as I know now
Of the lies men tell when us they running arter
I never would have spoke the marriage vow
When young and soft I thought that love was like a bed of roses
And bread and cheese and kisses would at all time lovers suit
But I find that matrimony means black eyes and broken noses
And bread and cheese is flavoured with a hob-nailed boot.

Chorus: But nothing was too good for me with my old man
Till he got the upper hand of me the sly old man
Not a week had we been wed, when he punched me in the head
And I thought him such a nice young man.


I made a vow I always would keep single
But you wicked men you have such artful ways
You dress up nice and all your money jingles
And then commence a-squeezing of our stays
It was just the same with my old man when first he came a cooing
It was wash day, and how he filled my heart with hope
He smiled across the washtub, then I knew something was brewing
And when he popped the question, oh, he made me lose the soap.

Chorus:

As years go on his love for me decreases
But I'll make him suffer sure as eggs are eggs
He's always at the Theatres watching pieces
Where the ballet girls display their pretty legs
When coming home half tight you know, and sleeping on the landing
And raving in his sleep about the human form divine
What the wretch is thinking of is past my understanding
For if he wants to study beauty, what's become of mine?

Chorus: But he's getting awful changeable is my old man
Once nothing was too sweet for me with my old man
But as sure as I'm his wife, this night I'll have his life
For he's such a scorcher is my old man.
 
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Performed by Dan Leno (1860-1904)
 
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