MY POOR HEART WENT PITTER PATTER
 
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No kid about it, I'm a very nervous chap,
I have palpertations if I think of a mishap.
One day I served in a baker's shop,
When a girl came in with a 'chivvy' like a mop.
She gave me, oh, such a fascinating look
As she asked for a loaf, then I shivered and I shook,

Refrain: My poor heart went pitter-patter-pitter-patter
pitter-patter-pitter-patter,
I served the quartern of bread, but I'd run short of makeweight
And so I said, 'We've got no scones, and we haven't any buns
Have a nice roll-over eh?'
And she said, as my heart went pitter-patter-pitter-patter
'Nice roll over! what would your old woman say?'

I went to supper with a little lady once,
Was kissing her, and cudling her, and acting like a dunce.
Her old man came rushing in to the room
And my hair stood up like the whiskers on a broom
I bobbed down behind a bit of bread and jam
But he said, 'Come here.' and I went just like a lamb,

Refrain: My poor heart went pitter-patter-pitter-patter
pitter-patter-pitter-patter,
He looked at me and his wife
And he said, as he up with a carving knife
'Do you know what I am going to do with this?'
And my knees began to shake
'Well,' he said, as my heart went pitter-patter-pitter-patter
'i'm going to cut myself a little bit o' cake.'

One summer morning I was dying for a wash,
I toddled down to have a dip at Slushton-on-the-Slosh.
I jumped in and swam around the pier,
But when I came back, oh, I had to shed a tear.
My best flannel suit had vanished, it's a fact,
It was six months for me according to the act.

Refrain: My poor heart went pitter-patter-pitter-patter
pitter-patter-pitter-patter,
My clothes were gone, but I found
A newspaper there, and I wrapped it round
But a crowd of girls who were standing on the beach
Nearly got me sent to jail
For they yelled, as my poor heart went pitter-patter-pitter-patter
'Oh, mother, mother, look what's in the Daily Mail.'

 
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Performed by Harry Champion (1865-1942)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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