There's a rather a peculiar item occurred, I can explain it to you if I'm not keeping you waiting.

There's a bit of money come into our family, and we can't tell who is really entitled to it... and of course none of us likes to take it, you know, - not knowing who it belongs to. Well, as a matter of fact, they won't let us.

But its through my stepfather... You see when my Dad died... Dear old Dad, I can see him now. He used to come home from work once a year. He was a hot-cross bun maker. He used to sit me on his knee and pat me on the shoulders, well, not always on the shoulders... but, well of course I was his son and he could pat me where he liked of course.

But its through our stepfather that we can't find this... who this money belongs to. You see my stepfather married twice; well when he married our second mother, my brother and I we were away at the time. My brother, he's dead now. He died of agoraphobia. He had false teeth and he took 'em out and put 'em in his coat tail pocket, sat down on 'em and bit himself. However, that's running away from the subject.

Well, when my brother returned from his work where he'd been - he'd been working for the... not masonry exactly... but the Government had some stones they wanted breaking and my brother got the contract. Well, when he came back, I came back at the same time. I'd only been away for five years. And during that time our stepfather had married our third mother and [?] was also our second mother. So my brother met our third mother and fell in love with her and married her. Well now that's where the trouble commenced because, you see, that made me my brother's son and my sister-in-law was really my mother.

Well; now then, follow me closely, will you... there was an aunt by marriage, she had and adopted daughter, left to her for rent or something, and she... this daughter, fell in love with the man that built the house for our second mother. Do you see what I'm getting to?

Well, now then, stick close to me, will you; this is rather intricate. You see... the outcome was that the... oh no, I'm wrong... no... yes, that's right... oh, and there was a postman in it as well. Well, however, I know we got so mixed up that my brother was his own father at the finish; I know. That's how it wound up.

Of course I didn't want to occupy your time with that, and I hope you won't think anything of what I said about Dad... Dear old Dad... I'll tell you more about Dad later on only I'm busy now, I'm going to have something to eat. I've just got ten minutes to get to a teetotal lecture and if I don't hurry I shan't be able to get a drop of something before I go.
Performed by Dan Leno (1860-1904)
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