A NATTY LITTLE PATCH BEHIND
 
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I've got a lovely pair of pants,
Talk about the patterns that you get from France.
You'd never match 'em. I've 'ad to patch 'em.
I put 'em on last Sunday night, I did I do declare.
Ev'rybody smiled, an' I got wild, when they all began to stare

Chorus: At me nat nat natty little patch behind,
Natty little natty little patch behind.
I turned round and I said: 'Good Lor'!
What do you want to hang around me for?'
One nice girl with 'er hair in curls
To me was most unkind.
She cried: 'Hi Jack! I'd like to 'ave a smack
At your natty little patch behind.'

I 'ad a pain the other day,
Went to the doctor's up our way.
Asked 'im to cure it, couldn't endure it.
'E said to me: 'You're very queer. You ought to be in bed.
Answer me plain, where is the pain?' I turned to 'im and said:

Chorus: In me nat nat natty little patch behind,
Natty little natty little patch behind.
I said: 'Oh I do feel queer!
Do give me something for it please old dear.'
The doctor said, as he shook 'is 'ead:
'Your fever is just fine.
Take my advice. Put a little bit of ice
On your natty little patch behind.'

I 'ad an invitation once
Got into a wedding like a silly dunce.
My pants I wore 'em, proudly I bore 'em,
'Where is the chap who is best man?' I 'eard some fellow blare.
Someone at the side turned round and cried: 'It's that chap over there.'

Chorus: In 'is nat nat natty little patch behind,
Natty little saucy little patch behind.
I walked up to the parson quick,
Gave him the ring and then he did the trick.
We all cleared and the crowd all cheered,
To me they were most kind.
The girls so nice all started throwing rice
At me natty little patch behind.

Now I went to feed our old bull pup;
He was fast asleep so I woke 'im up.
Soon he was howling, then started growling.
I went to pat him on the back, quite friendly so to speak.
He began to chew my how d'ye-do when 'e played at hide and seek

Chorus: With me nat-nat-natty little patch behind,
Natty little saucy little patch behind.
He sunk tight and 'e bit me 'ard.
I went and shot 'im in the old back yard.
The poor dog died and the wife she cried:
'Let's keep 'is memory kind.'
She made me beg when she put a bit o' crepe
On me natty little patch behind.

 
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Performed by Harry Champion (1865-1942)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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