THE NEW POLICEMAN
 
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I am a new policeman, and though only just appointed
I am so very lively that folks say I'm double-jointed
I knew the slaveys all first day, and round the pubs I've trotted
And yesterday a little boy - a charge I thought I'd spotted
I ran him in, you bet, for being out without his mother
He turned out to be eighty-five - my wrath I scarce could smother.

Chorus: I'm the new policeman, I'm the dandy boy in blue
I want to get my name up, upon my soul I do
I'm the new policeman, tho' I'm not so fine and large
Is there any young lady here tonight that I can take in charge?


I came across two ruffians who were fighting in a gutter
And, like a valiant man in blue I hid behind a shutter
I then looked up an organ man, and thought six-months I'd get him
If he'd been English he'd have copped, being German off they let him
I spotted next a drunken man completely downed by liquor
I thought I'd have his watch, but just my luck, he'd got no ticker.

Chorus: I'm the new policeman, I'm the dandy boy in blue
I want to get my name up, upon my soul I do
I'm the new policeman, tho' I'm not so fine and large
Is there anyone here who owns a watch that I can take in charge?


I found two street boys tossing, and pounced on them like a glutton
I thought I'd have their pence, but they were tossing with a button
Two ladies with a boozy mash I saw - claimed half their plunder
But they both punched my head so that my poor legs gave way under
A cyclist next I stopped, because he'd neither dim nor gay light
But with a grin he said, 'You fool, we don't light up in daylight.'

Chorus: I'm the new policeman, I'm the dandy boy in blue
I want to get my name up, upon my soul I do
I'm the new policeman, tho' I'm not so fine and large
Is there anyone here who cannot fight?- If so I've got a charge.


I thought I'd earn a bob or two by calling people early
And got a job to wake at five each morn a navvy surly
Next morning knocking at the house next door you might have found me
And someone threw a something out which very nearly drowned me
I mashed a slavey - as I thought - while smothering her with kisses
A man came out and half killed me 'cos instead I'd mashed his missus.

Chorus: I'm the new policeman, I'm the dandy boy in blue
I want to get my name up, upon my soul I do
I'm the new policeman, tho' I'm not so fine and large
Now has anyone here a tasty wife that I can take in charge?


I want a charge - a charge I'll have, I feel that I'm a bluffed 'un
I locked a dog up yesterday, but found it was a stuffed 'un
I must run someone in tonight, I've got that sort of feeling
My pocket I could pick and run myself in for stealing
I have it! Down at Parliament there's lately been a ruction
I think I'll go down there and run the Rads in for obstruction.

Chorus: I'm the new policeman, I'm the dandy boy in blue
I want to get my name up, upon my soul I do
I'm the new policeman, tho' I'm not so fine and large
Is there any new Education Bill that I can take in charge?
 
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Written and composed by E.W. Rogers - 1896
Performed by Vesta Tilley (1864-1952)
 
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