A NICE QUIET DAY
(The Postman's Holiday)
 
Gus Elen
 
I works just like a nigger and I isn't over strong
And I'm mostly on my Trotters all the time
So I'm glad when Easter Monday or a Whitsun comes along
'Cause a day of puffick rest is really prime
So I lately took it easy 'cause I 'ad a day to spare
Wiv the wife and kiddies in their Sunday clothes
'Twas a treat to make my mind up for a little country air
And the pleasures of a quiet day's repose.

Chorus: There was me and the Missus, and the half a dozen kids
Starting in the morning for the zoo
'Twas a precious way, you know, but we made our minds to go
And we took the lot to Epping Forest too
Highgate, Barnet, 'Ampstead, Peckam Rye,
At the Crystal Palace made a stay
We got weary on our pins, and we lost the blooming twins
But I'm glad we 'ad a nice quiet day.


The night before none of us thought o' getting into bed
'Cause we'd got all day tomorrow for the rest
And 'alf the night was taken up in cutting meat and bread
And in getting all the youngsters ready dressed
I felt a bit lopsided 'cause I carried all the grub
It's surprising what a lot the kids can peck
And I got a gallon bottle full of porter from the pub
'Cause it balanced all the grub about my neck.

Chorus: There was me and the Missus, and the half a dozen kids
Climbing up the Monument so 'igh
Then we played at Jack and Jill when we sampled Greenwich Hill
And we 'ad a run to Chiswick bye and bye
Acton, 'Endon, Kilburn, Kensel Green
Loaded with the lilac and the may
There was blisters on my heel, from an 'alf an inch o' steel
But I'm glad we 'ad a nice quiet day.

'Twas grand to see the London smoke from up the Monument
When I'd dragged the pram-ber-lootor to the top
As soon as I got up there to the bottom I was sent
'Cause the Missus let a beef-steak pudden drop
And when we reached the Sur-pin-tine, the nipper tumbles in
We 'eld 'im upside down a bit to drain
And soon as we 'ad scraped the mud from off his nose and chin
Well, blow me, if he don't fall in again.

Chorus: There was me and the Missus, and the 'alf-a-dozen kids
Wiv nuffink in the bottle but the bung
But I gave the kids a treat when we got to Newgate Street
'Cause I showed 'em where their uncle 'e was 'ung
West Ham, Wanstead, Woolwich, Walthamstow
Reached a spot they called St Mary Cray
And then I sez to Ma, 'Now we mustn’t go too far,
'Cause I finks we've had a nice quiet day.'


When I takes the Missus out to have a row just arter tea
The nippers let a moocher pinch my coat
And the owner of the weasel 'e was nasty like with me
Becos I lost the bottom of 'is boat
When we got home at closin' time, I 'adn't got a sou
Except the shilling on the gallon jar
And when we totters to the pub, for half a pint or two
I smashes it against the blessed bar.

Chorus: There was me and the Missus, and the 'alf-a-dozen kids
Limping back to London froo the rain
Sez a chap to me 'Oh, no, that ain't the way to Bow
Go on a dozing miles and ask again'
Lightning, thunder, 'ailing cats and dogs
Water streaming off me all the way
And to finish up the night, well, the Missus 'as a fight
But I'm glad we 'ad a nice quiet day.
 
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Written and composed by Edgar Bateman/Eustace Baynes & Maurice Scott - 1901
Performed by Gus Elen (1862-1940)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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