NO, WE DON'T KEEP FISH, ONLY KIPPERS
 
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Two old fishermen opened up a shop.
No bananas they displayed, 'cos fishes was their trade.
The customers all gathered round, the lovely fish to buy,
They fell back in hysterics when they heard the fishermen cry:

Chorus: No, we don't keep fish, only kippers.
We've only kip-kip-kip-kippers today.
Take them home to the wife and the nippers;
They're as fresh as the lilac and May.
Hear them sing. Hear them whistle.
We're all filleted; we got no bone and gristle.
No, we don't keep fish, only kippers.
We've only kip-kip-kip-kippers today.

We sell stewed eels, conger eels, macker-eels as well.
Oysters, sprats and dabs, and saucy little crabs,
Gravesend shrimps and Southend prawns, and whelks from Sheerness.
We've got shellfish, winkles, mussels, bloater paste and water cress.

Chorus: But no, we don't keep fish, only kippers.
We've only kip-kip-kip-kippers today.
Take them home to the wife and the nippers;
They're as fresh as the lilac and May.
Hear them sing. Hear them whistle.
We're all filleted; we got no bone and gristle.
No, we don't keep fish, only kippers.
We've only kip-kip-kip-kippers today.

One poor soul said: 'I want some plaice to boil.'
Said they: 'If that's the case, you can go and boil your face.'
They said: 'Will yer leave off coddin' Missus. Do for goodness' sake!
You skate off you old catfish, you make my poor heart ache.

Chorus: Oh! we've got no fish, only kippers.
We've only kip-kip-kip-kippers today.
Take them home to the wife and the nippers;
They're as fresh as the lilac and May.
Hear them sing. Hear them whistle.
We're all filleted; we got no bone and gristle.
No, we don't keep fish, only kippers.
We've only kip-kip-kip-kippers today.

 
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Performed by Ernie Mayne (1871-1937)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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