NOBODY LOVES A FAT MAN
 
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Now, when I was a little boy, my mother said to me,
'If you eat too much, my lad, you'll blow out visibly.
I gave up sweets and toffee balls, but still I grew and grew,
And now another saying of my mother's has come true.

Chorus: Nobody loves a fat man,
Girls like them slim and long.
Nobody loves a fat man,
They don't like his om-bom-pom.
Nobody loves a fat man,
Deny it if you can.
When I get on a bus a smart fellow will say,
'Here comes an elephant, please clear the way.'
And the guardsman will say, 'We'll have a breakdown, today'
Nobody loves a fat man.

The day that I was twenty one, I flipped and fell in love,
With Mable at the Maypole shop, she was my turtle dove.
I bought a pound of margarine and went to her one day,
She smashed the butter in my eye and then I heard her say,

Chorus: Nobody loves a fat man,
Girls like them slim and long.
Nobody loves a fat man,
They don't like his om-bom-pom
Nobody loves a fat man,
Deny it if you can.
She said she would leave and simply for this,
I can't get close to her to give her a kiss.
She says, my bay window spoils her dream of bliss.
Oh nobdy loves a fat man.

Chorus: Nobody loves a fat man,
Girls like them slim and long.
Nobody loves a fat man,
They don't like his om-bom-pom
Nobody loves a fat man,
Deny it if you can.
When my group was called up, a sergeant McShine,
Said,'Stick out your chests.' and when I stuck out mine.
He said my big bump hid the rest of his line.
Oh nobdy loves a fat man.

 
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Performed by Ernie Mayne (1871-1937)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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