NOLAN'S SCIENCE CLUB
 
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Ould Mickey Nolan kept a pub where scoience was discussed
By choice Hibernian spirits who would drink all night on trust
We formed an intellectual club where larnin' was made known
Each moighty brain was bubbling up wid theories of its own
Dan Daley's giant cranium was heaped all up wid bumps
To show the genius in him which came out of him in lumps
Pat Kelly's lower jaw showed character and power
And iv'ry mother's son of us could argue by the hour
And the whiskey ran like water when a knotty point we met
For scoience which is very dry requires a dale of wet.

Tim Murphy tried to tell us there were people in the stars
We nearly died wid laughin' when he told us one was Mars
But when he said the moighty world went spinning round and round
We dug a hole outside and laid him in the ground
Then Pat Dooley argued on the mysteries of death
Says he, 'It's nothin' else but insufficiency of breath!'
So just tp prove his argument we tied his neck up tight
And after half an hour or so we found that he was right
Oh, when it came to proving things we weren't afraid to act
And in the cause of scoience we disputed every fact.

Bill Doolan said that men were all descended from baboons
And read to us some writings of some philisophic loons
Says he, 'Our ancestors were all like monkeys in the Zoo.'
And when we looked at Bill, bedad, we thought it might be true
Then Daly talked phrenology - and tould us that it taught
That evry bump upon his head convayed some moighty thought
But when we borrowed Micky's axe to prove it to our eyes
We found this here phrenology was nothing else but lies
For when we opened out his skull, we were surprised to find
He hadn't got no brains at all nor thoughts of any kind.

O'Brian tried experiments with dangerous chemikels
And filled the place from floor to roof with deadly awful smells
The police broke in, and called the Corporation of the Town
They couldn't disinfect it so they burned the building down
Then Dennis brought a feller in that had a mikle-scope
He magnified some water, too, and, by the Howly Pope
The dirty, ugly microbes that was swimming there so strong
Brought home to us the fact that drinking water must be wrong
And from that day our thirst for simple water did abate
And all that Scoientific Club now takes their whiskey nate.

 
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Written and composed by Mel B. Spurr & J. H. Winterbottom
Performed by Mel B. Spurr (1852-1904)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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